I am at a loss

 I am completely and totally at a loss. I make sure that I watch my tone.  I am always careful in the things that I say and how I say them.  I more often than not walk on eggshells, because honestly you just never know the mood that he might be in.  He lives in his own world, and treats everyone, Well I take that back.  He treats me like I am something of a bother, like I have no idea what is going on.  Often, I am ignored; treated as less than.  So many things like how I was treated by my mother and it's more than difficult. I try so hard; I love him so much and nothing matters. I ask him a question, no answer.  I ask him again then he gets loud.  He never knew my father, how in the world can he do some of the same things.   He mumbles all the time, and I just don't understand. 

There are times I see a peek at the Vincent that I used to know.  I get so excited and just want to hold on to those times. They are few and far between, and it breaks this momma's heart.  He isn't happy.  Only every once in a while do I see his smile, and I miss it more than anything. He is one way with friends and another at home. He drives random places; is secretive all the time and I worry.  I worry all the time. 

I was sick Saturday. Like 102.5 fever sick.  I was out for the count.  I get a call from Vincent.  His battery has died, and he needs me to come pick him up.  Of course, so I go upstairs get dressed.  And leave to go get him.  I get there he is all huffing and puffing.  He shakes his head at me like I am an idiot.  He gets in the car and starts yelling at me, that he has tried to call three times.  I stopped and told him to stop yelling at me, that I was sick, and I couldn't answer the phone while I was driving.  Still attitude, like I was the one who had done something wrong. I stayed as calm as I could, inside I was boiling.  I asked him what he needed to do, I don't care take me, home go to wal-mart.  Just drop me off at home. I told him that I just needed to know what I could do to help.  The entire 15-minute drive were the head shakes and huffing and puffing under his breathe.  I don't drive right, didn't get there fast enough and couldn't read his mind what I needed to do, to help him. I just don't understand.  Later there was an in passing thank you, not a thing about me being sick, not a sorry for yelling at me.  

This is exhausting.  I am doing everything that I know, and nothing is enough.  He doesn't help me, he could see me struggling and literally just watch.  I DO NOT understand. It breaks my heart. I even just asked him, if he could pick up Mariska at 8 from work.  His answer NO, I have work.  I am continually heartbroken, and he doesn't even care. What does a mom do?  I feel like I have to apologize for being a single mom, I have to apologize for being the person that I am.  He says he loves, me.  Words and actions don't match, and I am at a loss.