I am writing, but I am not sure the words are going to come out. Even if they do I am not sure that they would make any sense. I remember all the time that is nothing new. It's all there clear as crstal, but that is the normal. Those are just the things that happen in the background as I do all the daily living and things that I must do. But Last Tuesday, that was something totally different. Because Don was right there in front of me and I wrote in my art journal it was like the moment you realize that you were going to be assaulted, you are going to be hurt and there isn't a damn thing that you can do about it. Well Tuesday was one of those moments and, it stopped me in my tracks. If I ran, I am sure that I could have run Marathon's and there would have been no stopping me. His face was literally inches from my mine in the here and now and I felt like I was in absolute danger, in that moment. In that split second there were so many things happening inside of me. It is like all of these thoughts that are happening all at once and at the same time the world in frozen in this one moment of time. I was just sitting there in the meeting, and out of nowhere Don's face was inches from mine, and he was going to hurt me, he was right there between my legs and for a few seconds I was there. Imminent danger it was going to happen no matter what and I froze. The absolute terror, I was frozen, there was nothing that I could do to stop him. I had all the feelings; I saw his face it was all more than real and I was angry. I was angry at myself for it even happening. I was angry that after all this time, I can still see his face. After all this time a split second brought back all the feelings of lifetimes ago.
I hate that there are so many good things going for me right now. I am doing all the right things . I am healing, going back to school I have a job that is so much less stressful than last year. And out of nowhere I am reduced to a young girl who is afraid of her own shadow and unable to move in a moment when its just mere memories at this point. Yet, somewhere in my mind the danger is just as real as it ever was and that is beyond angering. It was so LONG ago I should not be having these reactions all this time later. And then there are the feelings that I should be doing something more, something different. After all the work that I have done, this one the with the 5 of them is daunting and heavy and has a grip like no other on my heart and mind. There are so many little pieces, and so much that still doesn't even make sense. How does a girl of thirteen survive that. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, everything hurt. There was not an inch of my body that they didn't violate, touch and try to destroy. I know the intense feelings that I had Tuesday after the memory was gone, but yet still there, because that is something that takes a few days to recover from. Yet when it all happened, I just cleaned up, and after two days went back to school. I can remember being late for my classes. because my body hurt so much. Every inch was bruised and battered. Sitting in those hard desks, I just tried to be normal, pretend that everything was ok, but nothing was ok, not a single thing and I just had to keep going.
I do not understand the intensity of the things that happen today. It was as if someone had transplanted the moment from 1988 all the way forward to 2023, and that is something I struggle to understand. That is something that I would do anything to escape. At this point I wish with all that I am, that I didn't member a single thing. That I didn't have to feel the things that they did. I wish with everything in me, that I could make it go away. It hurts, it pains my heart. As awful as it was Tuesday, it was worse as a girl all alone in the world with no one to help her through it.
If I were to ever give up, this is the piece that would do it. I have to figure this piece out, I have to just do it because if I don't I will just be stuck here forever. I think there are little pieces, but this one is huge. I am just so afraid that I won't be ok.
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