Just in it

 I am just in it, and it is a constant pain in the very core of who I am.  My heart is heavy, I literally feel the weight inside my own chest and breathing feels like a chore.  It hurts and I am alone.  It hurts that I have to deal with these things.  When I put them all together it just gets overwhelming. So many people, so many rapes, so much hurt so many times over and over and over. Today the weight of that is unimaginable. This is my life.  All the people that were supposed to protect me and keep me safe never did. I am not sure how to explain it really other than things feel like they happened yesterday.  It's like I am under water, and the world is moving on and I am struggling to catch up. Everything around me is in slow motion.  There are so many things to say and so much help is needed but the words just won't come.  I know that I am a 48 year old woman and that all of these things happened such a long time ago, but today.  Today, it seems like they all want to be on the front page of the newspaper that is my life.  I get bursts of energy and end up in tears. Mostly, I sit and try to get lost in something anything other than the things that are going on in my own mind.  I know those things all happened so long ago, and I struggle when they feel so astonishingly close. 

I was talking about it today, I keep seeing 11:11 everywhere and that is supposed to mean that you are moving in the right direction.  It's like keep doing all the things because they are good and you are going to be ok.  I want to believe that.  Tonight when Mariska said it's 11:11, I didn't even get excited.  The anxiety and sadness right now is massive.  I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that all is well with the world. I think it's one of those times where, I need a break, I need a breather. I need to be understood.  I need to scream and curse.  I so desperately want to leave it all there in the past, but it just keeps following me.  I know this is just a layer,  a place where I have never been with 13 year old but goodness,  I am being encircled in things that no person should have to experience in a single lifetime.  I can't seem to find my way out of the circle. 

I heart your heart.