Yes. I live in a crime scene of a body that has been decimated. And people want me to just get over it. They want me to stop hurting and forget but that isn't an option. I can't just forget; I can't just move on. I am healing, busting my ass to figure out the life that is mine. Even in the healing there is no forgetting and just moving on it is the hardest work that a person will ever do. There are times that touch haunts me to my core. There are times that the nightmares replay as exactly as the thing that happened. I can't begin to explain what that is like. Imagine driving on the highway living life and on the other side in the opposite direction are the things that haunt you. The things that have stolen your dignity and worth. Right there alongside you with every breath even every new memory are the things of your worst nightmares. And there are so many layers. Just when you think wow, I am on the other side I made it through; just like that there is another deeper level, and you are back in a pit of black madness that is terrifying. There are times that I am strong that I can help others that I can verbalize the things that are in my heart and mind. Then there are times when this crime scene of a body keeps me awake and keeps the memory alive like it was yesterday. I am stuck between these two places. I am needy, I am sad, I am devastated by the things that happened to me. And I just want to be loved exactly where I am. Often the pain is so extraordinary there are times I am unable to cry. When you cry there is an admittance of how much you were hurt and that is a hard thing to acknowledge. I try to be so strong and often feel so weak. So many people failed me greatly; to the worst extent possible and I was left alone and suffering at 5, at 13 at 28. So don't fucking tell me to forgive or move on or forget because I am trying with all that I am to live this life. I am trying to repair all that was taken and destroyed trying to rebuild all the things that I never got. I have to learn an entire lifetime of things that were supposed to be. So don't fucking tell me about your god that I should believe in that never did a damn thing for me. Don't you dare sit in front of me ignore my words then tell me Well I wish that you knew my heart kind of happy. Your heart happy and mine are two different things. I am ok with that, and I wish that you were too. My heart happy is kindness, my heart happy is having a safe place and a forever. My heart happy is believing in the trees, the whales, the birds and the wind on my face. The clouds rolling by and a distant thunder. Those are the things that are real that kept me alive on my days when I was most alone. My heart happy is being loved for exactly who I am exactly where I am in all the ugliness, that I feel inside. If that God that works for you is everything that you need, I am happy for you. For me I was a little girl at 5 years old, holding her rapists hand saying her prayers to that GOD you believe in to die because I couldn't be raped another night by that monster of a man. So please do not talk to me about god and choice. I knew at 5 years old that I was completely on my own and there was no one that was going to be there for me ever. I knew that feeling at 5 years old.
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