Road to Resiliency 2023

 I just got home from doing my first ever conference.  I am kind of at a loss for words.  I mean there are so many things that I want to say but the words are all flying around trying to find a spot to explain what these last two days have been like for me. I can say that I am different, I can say that I have changed. Without a doubt I can say that I am on the right path. I am sitting here and I want to go back. I want to talk to them all again there are still so many things that I want to say, that I want to convey. I felt so loved, so heard and even more cared for. Those were things that I didn't often get in my life and was given those things by a group of people I had never met . In a single afternoon, I was heard. That is powerful.  I will never ever forget these last two days. 

The second day was for some reason much harder than the first.  The second day, I was so nervous, that I was shaking before it started, and was honestly scared that I would pass out.  My amazing friend Beth was there, Vanessa was there.  Everything was perfect inside there were more nerves and fears.  As Mark began to speak, I felt my cold clammy hands, and that fainting feeling.  I was having these conversations in my head, like you can't pass out then 911 is called and its this big deal. BLAH BLAH like come on get it together!  They will never want you to speak again!  I was thinking about how I was standing trying not to lock my knees, and still I was trying to figure out a plan; how to make it to the closest chair in case I felt myself going down.  Probably for the first 30 minutes, those were the things that were going through my mind and my body.  I didn't want to grab the chairs in front of me, they were not very sturdy and I am sure if I fell the chair would be right behind me. I thought ok there is one of the low chairs, I can grab that and sit down.  My mind was spinning.  I do not have a clue how I remained standing, as I began to speak the feelings lessened and all was well.  I can tell you, it was a very very close call. In true Callahan fashion no matter what is going on, I always remain standing, against every odd in the world.

I want to do more. Just this conference wasn't enough for me. 

  The only difference, the only thing I would change about my experience is letting the good sink in.  I will be glad when I can sit in the brave and the good things. I will be glad when those things can seep into every fiber of my being, and I believe them. So many people stopped me outside of my talk and said the kindest things. I want to accept those things and let them seep into the places where there is so much sad.  I need to let those things seep into my bones and replace so much of what was there. 

Last night was this strange feeling, the last two days were so incredibly amazing and yet that sad.  I know that things have changed and there is more understanding today, things are different from 20 years ago but there is a sad in the things that I didn't get.  There is this incredibly sad sense in the air, that I went home alone. All I wanted to do is lay on the couch and have someone tell me that everything will be ok. I think sometimes when I talk about all the things together, I think I realize sometimes how big that things were and even today, I want to crawl in a hole.  It's that feeling that I want to scream at the world to stop until I feel better.  I want to yell from every rooftop, tell every story until I don't feel the pain anymore.  Mariska was amazing when I picked her up from work, she bought me flowers, and a basket full of all the things that I love.  I was so grateful, it was so very thoughtful.  In the quiet moments last night, there is just this intense uneasy feeling, such sorrow that I can't explain it just yet.  I started writing yesterday and couldn't get all my thoughts out, then today, I cannot stop the tears.  I am so proud of myself for standing up and having a voice and there is also a despair that I feel in my bones.   It's not even just for me, for the women that I met, for the stories that I heard.  I could have held some of the women I met for a long time. I could feel their pain, and that is something I am not sure that I have felt before. I think I kind of have terminal aloneness and to feel so connected to others that cared, that wanted to understand, even some that had experienced things like me, was everything perfect and everything sad.  The poem everything is beautiful but I am so sad; yes, that fits perfect.  These women that showed up for me that listened and some that I had so much in common with.  I think there is such a sad that so many women know, and have experienced the things I spoke about. 

I am trying to be kind to myself and give myself a break today, but it is hard. I think of the things I didn't say, the things, the things that were important that I missed.  You know life doesn't stop, even when I want to scream for it to do just that. I am trying to figure out all the feelings, I am trying to feel or at least name what I feel and I can't today. The tears just keep coming.  All day I have either slept or cried. 

I think that I have been on automatic mode, trying to get everything ready for the conference and all the things I have been pushing to the side, are still there waiting to be looked at, seen and felt. I know that I am doing the right thing, speaking even as hard as it is, feels so amazing. There is a different part of me that feels more alive than it ever has, there is a spark like wow this is what I need to do. I do believe this is what I need to do but I can't forget myself.  Things are changing for me.  Grad school starts, working on a new campus, having a new team and trying to be the best mom and take care of a household.  I want more than anything, to help others, but I can't forget myself.  So many things to process and figure out.  I even said before the presentation yesterday, I don't want to go back to school, I want to do more of this.  I know that I am heading in the right direction, I am doing the right things sometimes I just want a small glimpse into the future to see the peace that I so wish for.  I want to see the place when all of my hard work, and tears and struggle have all paid off and I find my happily ever after.  It will come, because I want it to. 10 years ago, even 2 years ago this would never have been in my wildest dreams.  I have come so far, and I think that sometimes I forget that.  Rome wasn't built in a day, Just breathe Callahan, good things are coming I promise. 

I heart your heart.