I have always made excuses

 I am realizing that I have made excuses for the people that have hurt me my entire life.  Before I even knew that I was making excuses I was making them.  All the way back to being 5 years old,  even that little! I was in my little mind,  making excuses for adults bad behavior and blaming myself.  So many things were happening before I even had any memories.  The first time  I remember my father ever touching me,  well that's ok he just thinks I am my mother.  No five year old should have that thought.  That thought doesn't just pop into a 5 year old's head.  Well its ok that he is doing these things to me because he thinks I am my mom.  When I was 13,  well I danced with him of coarse he would come and violate me over and over and over.  I kissed him I was a tease I flirted of coarse it is my fault. I mean I must have left the door unlocked,  I wouldn't think that my parents were the first ones out the door, and should have locked the door behind them.  Even later,  well the pillow fell on my face and I just went away.  WHAT ?  A pillow doesn't just fall directly over a person's face and they go away.  All my life,  every second, I was the one to blame, I was the one that caused these things to happen to me.  

It wasn't until detective Plemmons asked the question " don't you think he knew the body of a 5 year old an an adult woman?"  That thought had never ever crossed my mind.   I think in that moment the whole world stopped.  What ?  I couldn't process the words.  You mean he knew the difference and still hurt me ? You mean he knew it was me the entire time ? There are no words for how that made me feel. There are no words when you  realize that in your 20's. With my father there was a never a thought to get help, to tell someone.  There was never a time when I didn't know what to do and what was expected.  That doesn't happen once and a little girl just knows.  I already knew at 5.  I can remember talking with Mark, and I realized that a pillow just doesn't fall on a persons face.  I heard the words and the moment played, and I could not believe that it was a purposeful act,  he knew what he was doing.  I would have gone away regardless, because that is what I did.  But he did that on purpose, he knew exactly what he was doing. 

Excuses have always been my go to.  Everything that happened was my fault.  I am learning the more that I process, fewer and fewer things were actually my fault. There were so few things that I had any control over at all. There is such a deep sad in that. So many people let me down.  There is also a freedom in that.  There is healing in that, because there are things that I can do today are totally in my control. Today I am not keeping these excuses.  Some days I struggle because it's so engrained that so much was my fault.  I continue to work on it and won't stop until we are all dancing free just like little Callahan. 

I heart your heart