I will be glad when I don't cringe

 

I will be glad when i don't cringe at the things that happened to me.  When I can, say the words and not want to crawl in a hole.  When I say the words and not want to die of shame. When I can say the words and not come up with a million excuses of why those words shouldn't be used because they are so terrible.  I still wear that shame; I wear it every day.  I don't want to say the words they sound so ugly I try to say it gentler like somehow that makes a difference.  It does not the damage is the same but to the ears that are listening, I try to make it easier.  I want to be proud that I survived those things not embarrassed. I am embarrassed to say those words, the things that were taken the things that were done to my body.  I cannot believe that today all day the tears have come fast and furious.  

There were a few women, that I spoke with at the conference that talked about the somatic symptoms, and I was like YES YES, I totally understand.  A piece that I don't talk about because how do you really?  There have been times that it has gotten so bad I went to the Dr and was told that I needed to see a psychiatrist.  To me he said you're crazy. So once again you just learn to live with things that hurt. I fear even talking about it because I fear being told that I am crazy and being blown off.  

I don't even really know how to talk about things sometimes, the things that I feel in my bones.  The abuse that has happened that I don't have any words for.  The things that happened to me that left a little body in pain.  I went so far away, yet there are times I can feel that pain.  I can sometimes physically feel the rapes in my body.  These men that were hurting me, and I was so little.  My body just wasn't made for the things, that I was expected to do.  As I got older it was less of an issue but still it is there.  During the gang rape when it was many of them at a time, there are moments and dreams where I still feel that pain.  It's just so awful to talk about and to understand.  Today as a woman how do those things still sometimes feel like they are happening to me? I know that they are not. Yet, in my brain, I feel the pain. I feel them literally hurting me. This is hard, this is something that I don't even know how to talk about.  I feel it a lot. Feeling these things makes living in my own skin more than difficult.  So, breathing and those things to get you in the present are terrifying for me.  Being in my own skin is dangerous and I can still feel those things.  I guess these would be things like body memories, right? There are moments when I feel like it's happening.  I feel like my body is being raped and I will do anything to make it go away. I sit here and the feeling in my bones, in my body is serious and I know nothing is happening, I know that I am fine and yet I feel the most terrible things.  I don't know how to understand this, I don't know how to even talk about this.  Talking about it there is a different realization that even though you went away even though you don't remember specifics, your body still remembers.  

I think of being in the Van with Albert.  As he was raping me in that van, I didn't physically feel the pain until I was walking away from the van.  I remember my legs being shaky, and my body hurting so much.  I was staring at the trees, watching that beautiful sky.  Physically I was not feeling what was happening to me in the moment. But there are times that I remember, and I do feel.  I remember and feel all the things that I could not at the time.  That is something terrifying.  And people wonder why I don't want to be in my own skin.  This is exactly why. 

I heart your heart.