I want to scream at the World

 

I am not going to lie I have been struggling since the end of the conference.  There is this high, like wow I said all the things that I have been holding in for so long. I had a voice, and I was heard, there is a freedom in that.  Then there is the other side of the coin when it hits you, it knocks the breath out of you.  When you realize just how big that things were, you want to scream and yell and tell everyone to stop just for a time to help you catch up.  When you realize that the things that have happened in your life are really big and once you let them out there is no way to shrink them back into a pretty little box.  Once they are out there nothing left but to face them.  When things are small in a nice and neat box it is easy to make excuses and for things to just be normal. Like having to throw away your bloody underwear from the night before. Like having to hold his cross, like climbing on your own bed. Like being unable to say the words that were done.  So you use the word that seems less harsh and then realize that it is just as bad. But at least you didn't have to say the words right?  NO WRONG!!!  A co-spouse how awful is that.   Being a co-spouse at 5 meant just all the awfulness, that the word could possibly hold. Everything that a wife would do I was expected to do and know what I was doing and how I was doing it.  That is devastating really.    There are places in my brain where I know just how terrible that things were.  There are other areas that still hold on to the fact that I was the one who did something gross and disgusting.  I was a that little slut, its a small piece but there are times its still there loud and clear.  I think these last two weeks there is that realization, that things were really just that bad. I kind of feel like I have just been sitting in it.  Like holy fuck, I survived the unimaginable and here I am still. I think each time that I say things out loud they hit differently.  This conference was really big for me, and things hit really hard.  I would do it again in a second, no question.  I have to think that each time I hit a spot like this I am healing more, and realizing more than before, and heading towards my happily ever after.  

This is just another layer to the things I never got.  To the hard things that I experienced that were just seen as a normal part of daily living for me.  There was nothing normal in the way that I grew up.  There was nothing normal or right in the things that I had to experience.  There was not an ounce of fault for that little 5-year-old girl.  And as hard as it is to admit, even that 13-year-old that wanted so much to belong she didn't want those things to happen.  She didn't ask to be gang raped and she never deserved the lack of care that she got.  She should have been held and cared for.  I guess when you are realizing these things it hits a little harder when you have thought the opposite for so long. 

There is a part of me that just can't get out of it right now.  Things are on repeat and I can not believe the things that I just took care of.  That I just knew what was expected and what I had to do.  That is heartbreaking right now.  There are things I can't even put words to because it's just too painful. Maybe it's ok to just sit with these things for a time.  The unimaginable that was my little life.  My heart hurts.  

I heart your heart.