Such a deep sad

 

Sometimes there is just such a deep sad that is felt to the very core of my being.  When realizing that there was no one ever that has loved me unconditionally.  There are not people that just love me unconditionally for me, because of who I am.  I do have a few people in my life now that I do believe love me for me, and I am grateful for them.  That still doesn't take the pain of not having anyone growing up.  It does not take the pain of having no family. There are no family get togethers, no holiday parties, all of the special things when a person thinks of families, I don't have those.  I have never had someone there for me no matter what. I have been let down so much.  Sometimes all those things together are just more than heavy, and it makes me sad.  

Cleaning out more of my upstairs living room,  the things that I am finding are so hurtful.  My mother was never kind, never able to take responsibility for anything.  In all of the written prayers and writing there was nothing for me. No feelings of kindness, no feelings of love and care. There were no prayers for me and my broken soul.  That is hard to understand. 

I had the most amazing experience speaking at the conference and I think sometimes there is this feeling that I can speak and somehow everything will be well with the world. There is this high and people are taking what I say, and  making a difference. In my brain somewhere; Somehow that will make the pain disappear for me. It doesn't but there is that thought.  There is such a relief in speaking, in being heard and at the same time trying to explain it all in short time is challenging.  There is just so much. I have been looking at everything eyes wide open, and I need to go back to one thing at a time.  I need to take it piece by piece and continue to heal. My entire history in my face is overwhelming sometimes.  The conference helps me heal and makes me remember that little by little step by step is what has gotten me here.  There are still pieces that burn my very being and I need to face them.  I still have to name things; I still have to learn to believe I am full of worth even in the most awful.