Sold Out

 

So the conference is sold out.  I am kind of blown away, terrified and want to run.  While at the same time I am excited and looking forward to meeting others that care as much as I do. I am excited to share with people who want to do things different.  Who want to learn and help others. It's a good thing that the need to want better for others is so much bigger than my fear.  I am terrified, that I won't have the right words, that I won't make sense and sound stupid.  The fear is so big and so strong. The fear of others having to feel the things that I have is terrifying and so worth the risk.  

I am sitting here and not really sure what to do with myself.  I have sat scrolling through Facebook over and over, the same stories passing me by. I have checked each and every email account more than once, and still there is nothing new.  I am still here with butterflies in my stomach, and a headache that won't quit.  I just want to make a difference.  I want to be strong and brave and to say the right words.  I want to touch people and have my story want them to do things different and better for others.  I wish that there was someone to just sit and hear my fears and concerns,  I wish that there was someone to just simply hear me. I wish that I could have someone sit on my couch and watch mindless TV and let me talk about all of my cares and concerns and worries.  I am just going to keep scrolling and checking email looking for something that I don't even know what it is.  

Kind of funny, it kind of feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff.  Things could go really well or I will bomb and look like an idiot.  There are so many things that I am feeling and yet I can't seem to get out of my own way.  I am terrified that I am going to fail.  I am terrified, that I am going to fail.  I am terrified, that I won't make sense, and be a waste of people's time.  I want to be strong and confident and say the things that are in my heart that matter. I can not change a thing that has happened to me,  I can change it, make it any different.  I don't have a magic want or special pill to make it all go away.  But I can speak loud and clear and make sure that I am heard and that others don't have to go through the things that I have.  I hope that others are able to get the support, and care that is so needed and more than deserved. 

Time will tell.  I hope I can chill and stop pacing, scrolling and checking and just be.  

I heart your heart.