Wow , I can not believe it and I am more than terrified. I have wanted this for so long and been working and working and I am not sure that I would ever make it to this point. I can't even begin to tell you how afraid that I am. The walking across the stage graduating part is on a scale of 1-10 a 25 ! Yes its that serious. The thought of not walking makes my heart smile and I can not let all those down that have helped me get to this point. I am grateful for one voice worrying about me, wanting me to write a letter just saying I am grateful but I just can't walk, its just not not me. I can not do that, I can not let all these people down, I can not let my children down. And so in 3 days I will be graduating. walking across the stage and the fear is insane. Saturday was an exceptionally rough day for me, lots of things came up and I have not exactly had great experiences in this college coliseum. The first time that I was there was for my high school graduation. I just wanted to get out of there, people were crying and carrying on, high school was hell, I was not crying. The ceremony was over, and ended to my father having a panic attack and making a huge scene, he was acting like a two year old and everyone was watching I just wanted to sink in a hole in the ground and go away. He made a huge scene, and it was awful. So that next semester, I started at Collin County Community College. I was originally a Psych major. I am sure my life story had a lot to do with it. I wanted to understand things, find out the whys I wanted to be that person that was there for people when no one else was. I would see Don around a few times, and many times had security walk me to my car, I was still scared of him. I knew exactly what he was capable of. I met Ryan, the first guy who ever really asked me out. I was crazy about getting to class on time, and he would show up just as early. He would hold the doors for me. He would smile and laugh when I said save the whales. He was a keeper but I was too afraid. He asked me out I said that I couldn't. He was gentle and kind and one thing I regret is not going out with him, I hope that he is very happy. I met Scott, who was kind, we liked the same kind of movies we could talk forever about psychology, we were really good friends. He made me laugh and was more than understanding. He asked me out, I thought he was crazy. That will always be a what if in my life....we kept in touch for awhile, I am sure he moved on, I know that he is doing great things.
The second time that I went to UNT coliseum was for my brothers graduation. Again it was rough, my parents were going through the divorce, it wasn't pretty my brother was often put in the middle. And Albert the neighbor that abused me was there and had his daughter with him. I was in a panic but no one seemed to notice or to care. After the ceremony when everyone is celebrating and greeting their family I was worried about whether or not I would see him up close. Once again I didn't matter, how I felt didn't matter there was always something else more important. I didn't want a big deal to be made of it but to be acknowledged would have been something different
December of 1998 I got my associates. I feel like it took forever and it did. I was working full time taking night classes, falling apart and picking up the pieces on what felt like a daily basis. There was no way I was going to go through, graduation ceremonies so I was mailed my Diploma and all was well I was Happy. During that time my grandmother was diagnosed with Cancer and moved in with us. It was not a good time, I was the black sheep of the family, ha imagine that, and couldn't do it anymore, I was a nanny at the time they knew they weren't paying me enough to live on my own so they offered that I move in with them. It was a good thing, I was away from family and making my own life. Before I knew it I was ready to go back to school. I started my classes at UNT the exact same semester that I pressed charges on my father, yea why not pile everything on at once. It was hard working during the day, classes at night, and anytime in between I was meeting with detectives and attorneys. I kept smiling doing it all. trying to keep my heart together was a full time job. School was my safe place, I loved school and was mostly good at it except for math. I had a 4.0 in my Psych classes , it was more than awesome. I stayed to myself though there was just to much going on, in a class full of people there was only me, a lonely place to be. And I kept taking classes and kept taking classes. My minor was criminal justice and I remember it was the end of my case, and I told her that I might miss the final that my case was going to trial and she shrugged her shoulders, like oh well. Little did she know it took all I had to even say those words to her and she could have cared less. The semester ended and I didn't miss the final. There were a few semesters that I took a break, that there just wasn't enough of me to go around. But the need to finish to graduate was something more than huge. It was something that I wanted more than anything but something that I wasn't sure was ever going to happen.
I had to travel to Boston three times, finally testifying for Angela. I was making all the wrong choices after I testified not caring about myself at all. But my constant was school, I never quit, I may have taken a few breaks but I kept going, always. I had my children and when they were 2 1/2 I went back to school. I took online classes. I started as a substitute when they went to kinder. People said that I should take more classes but my head couldn't . My head was so full of so much that there wasn't room to deal with my life and take a full load of classes. I would sub on the days I didn't have classes, and attend classes the other times. There were a few night classes and many times that the kids who were amazing came to class and were just amazing.
My last year of school things got even crazier and I wasn't wanted in my home anymore, the only home that my children had ever known . Just like that I wasn't wanted. And a miracle happened and we were offered an amazing place to live, a safe place that was real and true and kind. And it was everything that I have needed for a very long time. We were welcomed with open arms and our lives were changed forever.
And all of this twenty years in the making brings me to this day and three days until I walk across the stage and have my bachelors degree. I am not sure I can begin to tell you how terrified that I am. I am hoping that I don't fall, or trip or make an idiot out of myself. I have worked really hard to get here and I want it to be perfect. I am ready to move an and be a fabulous teacher. I am more than ready to have a classroom to call my own. I have truly made it I am going to be graduating. I cannot be proud of myself yet, maybe that will come later. This starts another chapter and I am sure its going to be a good one. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....If I am not dead yet then good luck trying. I am pretty sure that I have had almost every hurdle possible put it my path and I kept going. Things take me longer than the average person but eventually I get there, eventually it happens.
This week started out rough, with being sick, having a fever, feeling like I got hit by a mack truck, not good at all. Finally better today just achy from being so sick. I am sure that part of it is nerves. I get my hair done tomorrow, like real hairdresser done and I can not believe it, I am more than excited. Thursday, I am just going to remember to breathe, and Friday is the day. I am going with the kids on their field trip, and then its here. Friday night at 7 pm. The moment that has been twenty years in the making. Its happening, no matter how scared I am its happening, It's really happening.
Imagine Dragons "On top of the World"
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