Its about being sad but learning how to dance ....

As this month is finally coming to close, I have probably said too much, not said the right words, not been clear but please know that this is all that I have.  I am just me.  As all these things have come together this is me.  What a long crazy month.  I find myself wanting to apologize.  I am sorry for sharing, sorry that I can't connect with you, sorry I don't have the same kind of stories to share, sorry that I am standoffish, sorry for so many things. I wish that I could share my heart and find just the right words so you would understand.  I am sorry for the things I write the things that I desperately try to get others to see. I am almost sure that all these feelings are worse for me lately, the last few weeks have been rough. Since I am going to put myself out there , walking across the stage in front of all those people.  I am going to be saying look at me look at me and that  Wow that's a rough one, this graduation is going to bring up many cans of worms...UGH...that stinks..that is also my life. 

Yes, my past is over, the things that have happened are long in the past, my father is not coming down the hall anymore, there is no one waiting in the hall at school to mock me and make fun but there are days my heart remembers every detail of those times.  I hate attention, any attention.  For me growing up any attention was bad.  I got attention I didn't deserve; attention that I didn't want.  I was always told I was so mature, and really I had to be there was no other option. That was survival.  What else was I supposed to do ?  I always looked older, developed early and everyone always noticed.  I was always noticed and all I wanted to do was be invisible. I was always given attention that I never wanted and never asked for, so I kept myself away from all people. Men weren't safe but women never protected me so I was out of luck ALWAYS.

For me its not just about men, its about all of the people that have betrayed my heart my trust my soul.  People should have seen people should have helped and they didn't.  I am not sure that people can understand, but if I ask you something if I talk to you that is big, even more than huge for me.  That means that I trust you that you are important, that I am willing to share a part of me with you.   It takes me so much, to share to be open to be honest with how I feel.   Even this stupid post, A few will read it; a few will not, a few might even turn away; a few will understand ;a few will hold their heart because they know without a doubt how very grateful that I am too them. A few will understand just how far that I have come. I will not stop talking or writing about my past until for me it is done, until I have helped all those that I could possible help and until I can open my arms and dance and know that it is done. I have done all the work and I am free.  I am needy and am more than sorry, I need much love and so much kindness, there is a lot to make up for. I have so much love and kindness to share and I often don't I just don't have a clue how.  Sometimes there are so many things that I want to share that I just can't, I just don't know how to.  Sometimes all I have are tears, because there are no words .

I hope that this month you have at least thought about sexual assault.  What does it mean to you, how can you help, has it happened to anyone that you know .  I hope that you maybe have a little more understanding, a kinder hear a little more patience. I want you to understand that my story is extreme and hard on every front and I am more than sorry but there are people like me all over the place that are just looking for someone to hear them to hold their hand....BE that person,  I understand its hard, I understand how hard I am to love, but please be there for others .  For us survivors its about learning to dance even with our broken heart.  Yes without a doubt my heart is broken and yes with out a doubt I am trying to dance, someday.  I. WILL. SOMEDAY.  This is one thing that I do know for sure.

I am not sure yet; the purpose of my story what it all means in this world but it has to make a difference to someone, to something someday.  I am here for something, any attention is more than rough butI have made it , I will keep sharing until I find that purpose and all that has happened has in some way been redeemed.

I heart your heart.