Sexual Assault is something that people stay away from with a ten foot pole, not only the subject but often the people affected.
So today is April first and Today begins Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Today and this month I ask that you be aware, that you lend an ear, that you show concern for something very real and very hurtful, and damaging and something that happens more often than we would all like to admit. I ask that you don't turn away but give us a hug, we are dying for one, I promise. We often think we are vile and gross let us know that we are not. We think that we are scarred for life, tell us that we are not. Laugh with us tell us a joke.....Make us laugh some more. Let me cry, sometimes it may be oceans but just let me cry. Just be there...... sometimes we may want to talk, sometimes we may not either way just be. You can not make it better, make it go away but you can help in healing. Ask me a question if its on your mind, we might not be able to answer but we just might and help you understand; we would be grateful just for you asking. We are still people just like you and for someone to hear us, not just listen but to hear is a gift. Sometimes we don't have a clue what we want but we know that we don't want to do it alone either. I do take this to heart because I have been there, I have survived my entire life and because I am still fighting my way back. I have met people that have been assaulted that go on with their life and do great things. I have met people that can not get past what has happened to them at all. And I have met people that have had unimaginable things happen that continue to smile and thrive everyday. Each journey is different and each one should be respected. I think for me as a survivor, I am trying to figure out how to turn my past into something that is not a burden. That is what I want more than anything and that is something that is so much easier said than done. I have always wanted to do something like "take back the night" and stand in front of others and say this is what happened to me, this is how I have made it and this is how I am doing today. I have yet to do that..... maybe someday but for me and my past it was always my burden to carry. And we can help each other so others don't have to carry this burden alone. People should not have to carry this alone but many do. There is some research that said the more real help and support that a person is able to get right away, the faster the healing process. I didn't have those people until I was well into my twenties; so my healing has taken a great long while, but I am doing it now and I will never stop or ever ever give up fighting, life is too precious. I don't even know if I will ever get to that place that I long for but I know with all that I am I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
From the time that I was five this was my burden to carry. There was not people to keep me safe, not people to tell me that I was not the one that had done anything wrong. There were not people on my side to make me feel better to give me a safe hug. To let me cry when I had been violated. To let me talk about the things that were happening or had happened. For me this month is more than personal; I was always that person that no one wanted to go near with a ten foot pole. So I took that pole as my own and try to keep people away, then I can't be hurt. This is more than personal for me, I want to make sure that people don't feel the things that I have felt. For me, and my story I will never move away or blame the survivor, I will not question her story, because I know that those are the things that hurt beyond measure. So since my sexual assaults started at 5 , what was happening affected my entire world. EVERTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. I didn't even a have a sense of myself or the world around me but I knew that people were cruel violent and mean. I knew that there was no one that was going to keep me safe, I knew that in my world I was alone, so I stayed in my world and did what I had to do to survive. The things I made it through still shock me, and to come out where I am and still be a living breathing person is unbelievable some days. There was my father, the neighbor, the gang rape at thirteen and the subsequent rapes then the conception of my children. When I say it happened my entire life, I mean it with all that I am. I sometimes say one rape I could have handled, but so many times in one life, I just do not understand. And in no way am I saying that one rape is any less, it is not. I am just saying that for my life, only one rape would have been a blessing People were always using me, and I for so very long believed that this was my life, these are the things that are meant to happen.
With things that people have said....I believed I was at fault. I was taught to believe that what was happening to me was my burden to carry and that I should carry it alone. Others words were more than hurtful and they stick, and they can't be taken back because once they are heard they can never be unheard.
I remember saying something about Albert the neighbor to someone who lived right in the house behind him and, they said "who you ?" And I was silent. And I sank in shame. I told the youth group leader that I was raped, she asked if we should get a pregnancy test then told everyone that I was lying I just wasn't showing enough emotion. Her words were like knives " I was the unpopular chubby kid who would want to do that to me"....and I remained silent. I was assaulted and got pregnant, and a woman said I did it on purpose. My heart melted, this was my life. I entered the police station to make a report and officers were accusing asking why am I doing this now ? I stood up in court to protect children from my father, people said I was just dragging around the past, again I was looking for attention. I went to Boston testified alone and people had the nerve, a priest had the nerve to say that he didn't believe me, anyway. People were disbelieving and cruel my entire life and that goes with out any saying.
There were also a handful of amazing people that, held my hand even after they knew all that had happened , there were people who treated me with the utmost respect and listened to the terrible stories, there were the detectives, that asked if I was OK. The ones that were there were also the ones that came and went, stayed long enough to change my heart, to hold my heart for a time then left. There was one year in August when the anniversary was coming up when I had the most amazing day at the zoo and my heart was taken care of for that day. Those things are few and far between, but those are the same things that have kept my heart going.
We all have a story to tell and mine is just different than yours not worse, not better just mine. Many others have a story to tell and its our job to listen. From my life experiences I don't see what you see, I don't share what you share, I don't even experience life the way that you do. But I can tell you with my whole heart, that I will always make a difference, I will always care I will always do anything that I can to care for a persons heart. I have heard and experienced the hurtful words and actions and I will do everything in my power to make sure that others are not forgotten, that others are not treated unkindly.
This year, this April first I am further than I have ever been in my healing. But I know that I still have a ways to go. But I know that I will never stop fighting, never stop trying to recover some of what was lost. There is no possible way to get it all back but I will come as close to humanly possible as I know how to be whole someday. I know that in sharing my story , hopefully someone will hear and will make a difference for someone else. I can not go back to when I was five and make it better but I can make it a better world for other little ones today. There is no way to change how things went for me, But I can change things for others today. This day. Today.
I am more than grateful to those on my journey that have gotten me this far in healing, Sam, Det. Plemmons, Jason, James, Carrie, Christy, me. I am proud that I have come so far and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully in sharing whether on my blog, or in school , in life I hope that I can be one of those people that make a difference, a very real difference. I want so much for people to understand me and where I am coming from ! I have a story to tell and I won't stop telling until attitudes change. Its just so hard to put words to sometimes. There are so many things that I want others, that I want you to understand. Its the little things that matter, the little things that make the biggest difference. And YOU, can be that difference for someone, I will not promise that it will be easy, but it will be more than worth it. Make a difference for a someone this month, and always. Heart their heart for even a short time and that will never be forgotten. I heart your heart.
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