Well what can I say, the need to write is huge, the lack of sleep is growing and there are so many things that I want to get out of my head. It is a fact that there are not people that I can talk too. I do not have people to check on me or just say hello, those are just not the people that I have. I have to think , hum...well all these people it must be me, I am the common theme. Some people have these amazing families,that are kind and helpful to others who enjoy spending time together, There are people in their life that can just on the couch and laugh no judging no scrutiny, just careless laughing. People that know their way around your kitchen just because, and are just home in your home. Maybe its a question maybe its a plain statement , either way I don't have a clue, and maybe there just aren't any answers. For me there isn't family, I don't have a treibe, I don't have Family, I don't have "MY"people. I honestly don't understand why, but as much as I hate it, I wish that I did have people. Maybe this is in the cards and how it was meant to be. I have had amazing people but they come and go, people do not stick around. I know that I am often too serious, too deep and I try not to be, but that is justme. That is totally who I am I feel everything so very deeply, and I can be funny but there is always a sense of seriousness. I am not really a casual talk about the weather kind of person. If I am going to talk and interact its going to mean something and make a difference. I see people and the world around me so very different. I take nothing for granted, and am more than grateful for what I have everyday, and know that I am blessed, but there is a longing for people to share with and understand . I want to have a tribe, I want to have people that I can watch out for and will do the same for me. I want to be able to say that I have "PEOPLE". NOt just people that come and go. I have people that will jump in, but not in my everyday. There are not people to give me a hug just because., there are not people to listen, when i have had nightmares every week for weeks . I just do not have those kind of people that want to stick around. I know and completly understand that its partly my own fault, I know that I shut people out say that I am fine. But others times I do not, I share from my heart and nothing no responce no caring no kindness so I crawl back in my shel and it takes a miracle for me to come back out. I do wish that I understood this better, I wish that i could understand and explain why I don't have people. I have been so vulnerable and said please don't let me fall through the cracks which was HUGE for me, I mean so very difficult, and I feel. Out of sight out of mind, and that hurts. So what am I to do ? I just do not know. I don't at all want to be a burden but to have someone ask and mean it, How are you ? that is something amazing. I don't at all want to be a burden or expect to be taken care of I just want to be checked on every now and then. I would never want to take something from another family. I just want to share me and my life and who I am and with the life I have had that is difficult. True everything in my life is different, from my experiences, to how I see things to how I interact, to me being a mom to how I think and the things that matter to me like a little ones heart and my passion for whales.
There are so many things that my heart wants to say, and its not coming. I can not find the right words, they don't say what I want them to say and its not pretty . The words are not flowing and its more than frustrating, if i could only draw a picture. I need people that share my passions, I need people that have a wanting to understand, I need people to understand how I see things not blow me off because of how different I am.
As an example, my father. I am not sure that forgiveness is EVER possible. I feel almost nothing for him and that is a good thing, but its an almost there are times that I hate him more than words. I will not give him the satisfaction of hearing those words come from my mouth and then expecting that all is well and he is off the hook. He will NEVER be off the hook.
My mother no not at this point. There is no forgiving her for how I have been treated. I don't even have words on this right now it just plain hurts to much. She hurts my children, she tries to buy them back and I will not have it. There is nothing to say,
Growing up I think that I probably had a skewed sense of forgiveness anyway. If my father was mad, if he was giving us all the silent treatment, we were the ones that had to ask him to forgive us. For me it became more of a joke. Sure ask him to forgive us, REALLY...no that doesn't really work for me. They would talk about forgiveness in church, but all of the people that hurt me had something to do with church, so forgiveness was not something that I really understood. Like OK these people went to church so what they had done was to be forgiven, and all would be well, everything was OK. Well, no nothing was OK and I would never forgive those people.
I will get to a place where my past doesn't hurt and I will do that with all my hard work and sweat and oceans of tears but you will never hear the words that I forgive those that have hurt me so.
I think there are times when a person has been hurt so much, you can't just keep turning the other cheek, some can and I applaud them. They are stronger than me. I will not give these people the OK, that I forgive them.
I can say that the one person that I have forgiven is Andy. He was one of the five. And I feel nothing bad for him, I only wish him good things in this life. There is a part of me that totally doesn't understand why, but I know with all that I am how he hurt me but he helped me, he helped save me and I am grateful, he has all my forgiveness. Do I ever want to see him again, I think I would do I want to hang around and be friends no. But I want to tell him that I do not blame him and I want to thank him for his kindness, for saving my life that day. So I understand what forgiveness can do how it makes you feel. For Andy it is more than amazing and well deserved, the others not so much. Some would argue that I just don't know what it feels like but I do , I understand it and there are some that I simply can not forgive.
Then there is my shit list....please excuse the french but there is no nice way to put it. If you hurt me, if you hurt my very soul you are there. If you hurt my friends you are there. If you ever hurt a child, with out question you are done in my book. If you tell me that you are going to do something then don't you are there If I specifically ask you something then you don't you are there. Its long its very long but with a long list of hurts, I have to do something to keep myself safe and this is it for me. If you are not kind you are there, if you hurt a child you are there. I mean seriously the list goes on and on. I am not proud of this list but it is what it is. I was in class, and said something about my shit list, and this guy looked at me and was like WHAT ??? And I said oh yes I have one....It was kind of funny really he never expected it.
You get few chances with me. I think that it takes so much for me to get involved and to try and to be open and if I get stepped on I am done its time to move on. And I have to say that I am well aware that most of the time I am probably the issue and I don't know why really, but I am the common denominator. So what does a person like me do ? I don't have a clue.... I think my shit list is a way for me to keep myself safe. So many people have said things and not done them. If you tell me that you are going to do something that is big, and I expect you to keep your word. I have been so hurt by people, that its more than hard to give them a second chance. And a few people have been amazing, but amazing seems to come and then go and I would like some amazing to stay. So forgiveness is well I don't have a clue, but I know what it feels like to do it and I know that there are things that will never be forgiven. I know that I probably should not have a shit list but I do, so where does a person go from here? I wish that i knew but I know that I will never stop trying....and maybe someday I can forgive them all, maybe someday just maybe....
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