Some people were over the other night and I wrote a post on face book, People I don't do but dishes, yes I can do dishes". And that's not a good thing or a bad things its just the way that it is. My stories and life are not something that is easily shared with people. At another party, I ended up making it my job to clean the playroom. It was not something that I had to do, no one told me to it was just where I was comfortable, it needed to be done so I did it. And I was listening to the conversation in the other room, wanting to be a part but not joining, that's just me.
I was watching Nell the other night. With Jodi Foster and Liam Neeson. Oh how I love that story for so many reasons. But in the End, she has joy, she is able to experience the good things around her but in that instant she looks away and you can tell that there is a longing there is a piece that is just missing and I feel like that a lot of the time. I can experience all the joy that is around me all the good things that are happening but there is a part that is missing there is a piece that I am not sure I can get back, I will fight for it don't get me wrong. But its missing and I can not ignore that.
The piece that children get when they are little that piece of belonging , that piece of acceptance, that piece that they are OK just because that's who they are. I am amazed at children all the time, they think they are so wonderful and that they can do anything and everything. That is the wonderful thing about them, they are all different and do things different and that's awesome. But; I missed that, I never got those pieces. And let me tell you trying to get those pieces as an adult, well its more than difficult, people say well you are not all that different. And in some aspects no. But in a lot of ways, I am totally different, I just don't see things the way that other people do, I don't experience things like a normal everyday regular person. I know that I am weird, that I am more than different that I feel too much , I praubably cry too much, but where I have been that is me.
I see the little things that many others do not notice. I see that little kid who is watching wanting to play and doesn't have a clue how to interact. I see beauty and amazement in the everyday; from the clouds to the birds to the sky. I do not take things for granted. I am more than grateful for the experiences that I am able to have now, I am grateful to live with someone who would watch out for us even if something happened to them, that is big. I am more than grateful for those things, but a piece is missing.
Again the other night there was a conversation about dating and boyfriends and what people wanted and ........And I can't share in that conversation....A boyfriend I wouldn't have a clue.....being loved like that I don't have a single clue...not even a glimmer in my eye.....those have never been my experiences. And someone said wow like being 40 and never been married whats wrong with a person....I sit there quiet and think I could give you a million and one reasons but again my story is heavy and it could sure answer your question but do you really want to hear it ? There is a group for single moms that I would love to join but again questions would be asked and would they be ready for the answer ? Would I be open enough to tell ?
And graduation is coming up and i am scared to death, I mean I am the one that is always behind the scenes wanting to blend in not make a big scene. And I am going to walk across the stage for everyone to see. There is a part of me that is more than excited but I am so exposed and that is more than terrifying. And I am having a party being planned for me, and that is more than unbelievable, there is a big part of me that is so excited and so happy and there is a part that wants to crawl in a hole until its all over. More of me is excited, its just something new and totally different. There is no way to graduate and fade into the background, well I take that back there is a way but I am doing it different because I only do this once.
I am a fade into the back ground person but it would be nice for someone to check on you everyonce in awhile. People don't check on me. The kids and i have been moved out since September, we don't get the calls asking if we are OK, if we are good, they just don't come . I know that part of that is me, I totally understand that, But at the same time its nice to matter and have someone check on you.
I am more than willing to take responsibility for my part I understand I am not the easiest person to love, or even like. I am not the easiest person to get to know to connect with, I understand that my stories are so very different but someone just checking would be more than amazing every now and then. I have asked for that before, asked for people to watch out for me make sure that I don't fall through the cracks, but I was asking to much.
So my problem is I am just going to have to be OK with being the behind scenes girl. I am going to have to be OK to jump in when I can but know that its just not right for me. And again another movie We bought a Zoo, always makes me cry. In the end the question is asked if you had to choose would you chose people or animals ? Right now I choose animals , but I have to say someday I hope and pray that maybe people would be my choice. I am not giving up maybe someday I will find those pieces that are missing.
No comments:
Post a Comment