Baby steps to Giant steps and everything in between.

 

 

This says it all really.  Baby steps to Giant steps and everything in between.  I have needed to write for a few weeks and the words just have not come, there is everything to say and nothing to say.  Words seem like they don't even come close to what I want to express.  I long for people to listen to my words and hear my heart.  I wanted to write last weekend, after finishing my seven weeks with my amazing first graders.  Oh I love them.  Even on their not so great days.  I am at home with them, and feel like I am enough to care for their heart and teach their little minds.   I was dreading Monday, I offered a kidney, Emailed anyone that would listen to my letting them know that first grade is where I was meant to be and wouldn't someone please please let me stay.  The answers all the way around were no, and I was moving on to fifth grade.  I was excited to see some of them, but it was overwhelming.  Such attitudes, such an air of confidence that I just don't have a clue what to do with.  I get frustrated because its like they don't have a care in the world and  that is something that I just don't understand.  I know that the life that they have is different than what I had in fifth grade and its just absolutly mind blowing some of these kids. They are disrespectful and often rude, they are not kind.  They don't care,their parents don't care and I worry if I will be enough.  I want to give them confidence and courage and I want them to care about themselves and their grades and I think that I can want that for them their entire life, but if they don't want it , then I just can't give it to them. For fifth grade I have to let them know that I truly care, I want them to be successful and to care.  I do care for them and a part of me wishes that I didn't because its really hard.  I have already cried and I have been in their class for one week, only 5 days.  I just want to make a difference for them.  There is one little girl, with almost no friends and almost never smiles and every day I get to her smile and remind her how beautiful she is, and that I like to see her smile and she needs to do it more often.  The boy who loves to read and act out but who I asked if he needed help he quietly shook his head and I helped him undertand.  To the one I helped in tutoring who is loud and knows all but was quiet and kind and glad for the help and worked really hard.  One teacher said well fifth grade they are just first grade in bigger bodies and I think that might be true.  They are different, they are needy, they want the same things that my little ones did.  It is a struggle for me to give it to them, I have realized that I am a little harder on them because I want so much for them.  I want them to succeed and do great things.  I want them to know that even if no one cares for them at home I care every second that they are in my class and for each and every one of my students I would jump in front of a bus for.  That is big for me and I do not look forward to the days in fifth grade , not yet but I know they are excited to see me well at least some of them are.  I am tough, tougher than I expected really. Respect is a must and kindness goes with out saying. There is no moving of desks and no teachers favorites.  One class even has points that they give each other for being teachers pet.  Pure Crazy !   So for me its baby steps into fifth grade and as I look back they will become giant steps.   Its hard to love when you cant even fathom loving yourself at that age.  So what these next 6 weeks bring I am sure will be full of tears, and crazy, and joy.  Its almost there, I have almost made it to the end of this journey and I know with my entire heart that there is much for this heart to learn in these next 6 weeks.  I hope that I can make a difference. I hope that I am there for them.  I hope that I am able to teach them and touch their heart.  I hope that they know that I care with my entire heart and want the world for them whether they are fifth or first I truly love them.