And this is how the conversation goes....

I am not sure what the world is trying to tell me.  Probably 4 times in just the last month, the same conversation happens and I hold my breath until its over.  People talk about dating and relationships I stay quiet I have nothing to contribute.  The relationships that I have had are not at all what they are talking about.  And in three out of the four conversations it comes up well why in the world would someone be close to forty and not married or never married ?  And all of them every single one of them is dumbfounded as to how that can happen! And I sit there quietly, I listen but I want to scream . I could tell them very easily, or not so easily but I could tell them and I don't. And they might listen they might hear but I never open my mouth. I sit there and feel terrible.  Terrible that I don't have good stories to tell them , that I can tell them why but I can promise that its not pretty. I can say many many things but I do not I sit there and smile and do what I hate most shrug my shoulders. And of coarse the topic of children comes up, and I have heard Hello, you have to have a dad, and other snide comments.  People have asked me directly, and I say as little as possible. Nope its just me.

I guess maybe the truth is hard to take even for me, maybe all those people could take what I had to say and its me that can't.  I am ashamed and embarrassed.  I can't contribute to those conversations because I can not even imagine.  But I sometimes think that I want those things, I do not want to be 40 and single and never married but maybe that is how it was written for me.    Sometimes I think that is one of those things in movies.  Sometimes I even hate that I entertain the idea of getting married, I mean the poor guy. 

So when I am in the middle of those conversations I wish that they went more like this.  I wish that I would open my mouth and give them a little insight.  There is nothing wrong with us, that we are forty and never been married.   We have been hurt beyond measure and are working on healing.   No, I have been hurt and relationships scare the life out of me.   And its not a poor me thing either I just want people to know that just because a person is forty and not married that there is no tragic flaw, just tragic things have happened and it might take me a whole lot longer than it should. But maybe someday I will get lucky and find that right man for me.  I don't know but every time I hear that conversation it digs at me a little more and I just wish that I was normal .

I wish that I could say people have really hurt me and its taking me longer to do EVERYTHING.  And my children well I was raped.  I am their mom and they are my biggest blessing and no there is no dad, it is just me and no that is not a bad thing. We are a family, and that is what matters. Maybe that is just the bottom line, and those conversations don't mean a thing, but I sure wish that I wasn't a part of them.

He held her like a Sea Shell and listened to her heart.