I'm still alive

 

 

 

At this point in time I can say yes I am still alive.  But I can also say that sometimes

 

my heart hurts so

 

 much

 that

 I

forget

 its

already

 over. 

 

I can say yes I survived, and I am living and moving forward.

 

But, there is a big but that it is not finished.

 

There are times that my heart hurts , my heart aches like it was yesterday

 

There are days, I want to curl up in a ball,

 

And days that I cry oceans. 

 

But there are also really good days.

 

Days when I see that sparkle in my students eyes.

 

More days than not

 

I can laugh and enjoy my children.

 

I can teach and help children learn.

 

I can be a friend and sit with you when you cry.

 

And I heart your heart and I usually cry too.

 

I am alive, I am glad that I am alive, that I was not killed, that I made it.

 

But I have to learn that its OK that I am still heart broken.

 

And even with all those good things happening, even as wonderful as the good things that are

 

happening

 

My picture of being done is changing, and I wanted a clean slate but not sure that is an option

 

 I am sad About the past, losing being a little girl.

 

Sad that my heart doesn't have the innocence that I see in other kids.

 

 I get sad About the present and how I am treated by my family, that they won't talk about

 

The things that have happened to me.

 

Absolutely heartbroken the things that my children will someday need to understand.

 

So this month, Sexual Assault awareness month is a long one.

 

There are times I can go days even weeks not thinking about it, then ......

 

BAM....Its there everyday.....and it hurts like nothing else......

 

And there are so many good things happening, this is the last thing I want to think about

 

BUT ITS THERE LOUD AND CLEAR.

 

There has to be a reason why, A reason why, there is a longing to understand the WHYS, and the purpose. I long for others to understand where people like me are coming from.  I will not stop writing  or talking about it until there comes a time when  I hear a whisper that says your done. 

 

 Its OK to put it away.

 

I have to learn to be OK where I am, no matter the amount of talking, longing some things are ...

 

Just Going  To Be. 

 

I work more than hard , getting over this and its just not that plain and simple

 

There was no normal beginning for me, there was only hurt

 

Before I even had the chance to figure out life, It took all that I had to learn to survive.

 

Today I am living, I am happy , but there are very sad parts.

 

I am let down by people, and I don't understand why

 

there has to be some reason for this , that I have yet to figure out.

 

I should have a whole heart right now, with the work that I have done

 

BUT...

 

That just isn't the case.

 

If you read my blog often you know that I will never give up, I will keep fighting !

 

I don't know what the future holds but I know that  somehow someway I will be OK.

  

I do not understand the journey or why mine is so difficult.

 

I am jealous of those people that have everyday support,

 

that have come to a further point in their healing.

 

I fear that people will think I am dwelling on the past, I promise that is not the case 

 

I think there are times when that has fit me, but not now.

 

Its just been a LOT and there is a lot to figure out

 

My history is a part of me and why I do so many of the things that I do,

 

I understand that I am strange, I know that I don't fit in

 

Someday I will, someday I will be understood by more than the exceptional person that comes and goes.

 

I long for someone to stay, and someday it will happen. 

 

Someday I will see the reason for my past and all that I have endured,

 

I just want to help others, have them understand, and be the difference for someone.  

 

Through it all I am still ALIVE.

 

And I have a ways to go but I am living, I am breathing and becoming more of what I want to be.

 

I heart your heart.  

 

Please be gentle with mine.