Silence

Oh yes the silence. It can be good but it can also be very very bad.  There is the silence because you are too ashamed to say anything. The silence when others refuse to see that there is a problem.  There is the silence of secrets and the silence of threats. There is the silence of fear. The silence of not caring; its unbelievable how very many different kinds of silence that there are.  The worst silence is when someone knows something and still does nothing.  Silence can be a good thing, when you are sitting watching the clouds, enjoying being outside.  But silence can also be something that damages a person right down to their bones.

I like silence, I have realized lately that when good things are around you, Silence can be amazing and peaceful and comforting. I am generally not a person that enjoys silence.  I am a person that usually has some kind of noise going on all the time, music, kids playing, TV, I mean come on I even sleep with the TV on, I need the light and the noise, EVEN IN MY SLEEP.  My head is VERY noisy and outside noise makes my head quieter.

But there is also silence that can be devastating, that can absolutely break your heart.   The silence, when people pretend that they didn't hear you. The silence when people want to pretend that everything, is OK. The silence that is so loud that it hurts your heart.  When a person has a history like mine, there is a lot of not nice silence, a lot of pretending that everything is just fine. And the silence can be sometimes worse than what has happened to you. 

In your head you know the things that have happened to you, you lived them you know the damage. You know what life was like once upon a time and no matter what you do you can't go back and change things, make them better.  And people don't know, its your world, your pain, your story.   And I held it all in and I didn't say A SINGLE WORD for years.  I think sometimes , there was a peace in that silence, because I knew that no one could do anything and then I would not have to answer every ones questions, I would not have to share the things that had happened or were happening. I wouldn't be disappointed that no one cared, no one noticed. There it is : The silence of not knowing.  If a person doesn't know then there is nothing that a person can do. They can't judge, they can't sneer, they can't be cruel.  If a person doesn't know then they can't make things better.  Its when a person finally does know and still does nothing that is more than devastating.  So I have always said I would have rathered keeping my mouth shut then get treated the way that I did by others. 

It was a friend Calvin that broke my silence first.  He knew that something was not right, he noticed, he knew that Something was wrong.  He was kind and took care of me, made sure that I was OK.  Finally he said that  I had to talk to him, that he knew that something was wrong ....SO I did.  I remember him being so upset, and of coarse I thought he was mad at me for letting it happen.  And I kept apologizing, but for once in my life someone was angry not at me but at what had happened to me.  I mean he was in high school, this is not something that he should have had to deal with.  And he was more than amazing, he wanted to take me to the Dr to make sure that I was OK.  But at this time, Rape was nothing new, it was just something that I had to deal with.  The fact that he even noticed that I wasn't OK was more than amazing.  He said I had to tell talk to someone, this couldn't happen to me.  I was more than terrified, and said I wanted to tell the youth group leader.  So Calvin took me into the bedroom, and he went to get Joan.  I don't remember the words out of my mouth, what I said . I think Calvin was the one who even said the words.  I was cold, all I remember were her words, Well should we get a pregnancy test ?  I can still see the white speckled sweater that I was wearing, I even had socks that matched.  There was all this commotion.  Joan looking around she didn't have a clue what to do so I was blamed.  They brought my mother in, I felt nothing.  They took my father for a drive and told him, I felt nothing. Calvin came in and I held on to him, my body still hurt but I needed him to hold me.  I remember saying that I was worried about all of their questions, they didn't understand that this was my life, this was nothing new !  I didn't shed one tear, I was on automatic. That night was never ending , I just wanted it over, Bob the youth groups leaders husband took me home.  I can see it all so clear where we sat on the couch and everything.  And he looked at me telling me how different that things were going to be. I was sitting there staring at the ceiling, wanting to pet my animals, he was way to close for comfort. Who in the world was he kidding, the problem was no one asked questions, no one asked if I was OK. It was all about them.  They didn't have a clue but they didn't care to find out either.

The next morning, I woke up to my parents standing over my bed.  There were phone calls to be made, Dr appointments to be kept and a counseling appointment.  This was going to be a long silent day. The phone calls that I heard, were things I can never unhear.  Not even 24 hours after I spoke, out, after I broke the silence and told I was labeled a liar, I just wasn't showing enough emotion.  I heard the phone conversation and the many words that I was lying and just wanted attention.  I heard the phone calls to the police department asking if they wanted to make a report and the answer was a firm no.  Today I think why ?  Why didn't they want to report what had happened to me ?  There was the counseling appointment where my father berated me the entire time.  And then at the end of the session that was all about him and his feelings she said maybe we should do this separately ?  REALLY, what gave you that idea ! What about me here I am drowning.....


AND THAT WAS ALL.

My Silence was broken,

Two days later I went back to school.

NO locks were changed, no hearts were cared for. There was no , "I am sorry" .

To everyone else it was over, for me it had not even begun.

AND THAT WAS ALL.

My silence had been broken people knew and no one did a damn thing.  I was labeled with many horrid names, I became the talk of the church but not one person reached out, not one person held my heart and asked if I was OK.  And it was over.  My body still bruised and beaten and to everyone it was over.  And I began to wish that I had just kept my mouth shut.    


Please be that person to make a difference, don't be silent, even if there are no words tell them that there is healing even in the acknowledgement of what was happened.  There is no manual for this, no perfect way to do it, but as I always say kindness changes everything.  Be kind, be gentle and you can make that difference for someone; who knows you might be the only person who isn't silent and they will be forever grateful.