A little about the court system

Sometimes I still find it amazing that I made it through the court system of our country.  It was like pushing rocks up hill that's for sure.  Everything was a battle from beginning to end. This is for those that said I did it for attention, this is for those that said they did not believe me. This is for all those people that said I was pressing charges because I wanted attention. This to let you know what its like.  The people involved, detectives, attorneys  are nice, well some of them but the questions they ask are brutal.  Some want every detail known to man, others are kind enough and do not make you repeat the words again.  My detective was kind and the only reason that I even made it almost two years was because of him. But,  I just couldn't do it anymore and said a plea was fine.  I wanted it over, I wanted it to go away.  I did it to keep Angela safe, and that is the only reason ...


Here is How it came to be................

Well it was a visit to Boston.  I was going to see my uncle Dennis. I am not sure how the trip came about really.  But I was going to go and I was more than excited.  I remember that I wrote him a letter, and he wrote back and we did that a few times then I was on my way. I think I was just wanting to connect with family.  Dennis said that people were telling him to be careful that I wanted something, but really I didn't want a thing, I just wanted connection.  My past was an issue I mean I was beating the crap out of myself at night.  I would wake up with bruises all over my legs and scratches up and down my arms, but I wasn't dealing with anything, I was at that time doing my best to pretend that I was fine, that everything was just fine.  I got there late at night and the resemblance to my father was unbelievable.  Even how they drove the car, it was a little shocking really.  I wasn't talking to my father since the divorce and it was very surreal.  He had the Boston attitude, and the F bombs were always an essential part of a conversation.  I loved being there being in his house.  There was deer in the backyard, it was beautiful really.  I took my shower that first morning and came down stairs my hair still wet...We were just sitting talking about everything and nothing.... and then out of the blue he asked.......Did your father ever do anything to you ?  Did he hurt you ?  I was in shock, there were so many thoughts flooding my head and I was more than overwhelmed.  It was one of those times when in a single second you can ignore all that is going on in your life and a matter of seconds it all comes flooding back.  And the tears started and I said but Dennis, no one knows.  My heart is so heavy, that moment when I realized someone else knew.  And he said you weren't the only one.  The feelings are so many and go to such extremes, when you live your life trying to hide something so awful and a person you have not seen since you were 4 tells you that you are not the only one its heavy, its a relief its freeing but its also terrifying.  And we sat there and talked and he had been abused by my father when they were younger.  I don't remember much of the conversation, my heart was overwhelmed, I didn't want this to be truth, I didn't want this to be my life.  

While I was there there was a lot of talk about my father, there were a lot of memories, lots of nightmares, lots of things  that I didn't want to think about.  We were finding out information that my father was going to be a crossing guard, that he was remarried that she had a young daughter, there were so many pieces that were falling right into my lap and I was unprepared for all of them.  I was in a dark place trying to survive and my uncle was in a dark place trying to ignore, trying to blow everything off.  My other uncle Danny came over with his children, my cousins and it was very different.  The life that they live is something different and strange.    Everything is funny everything is a big joke.  We were all standing in the kitchen and started talking about Bob, and we said how he had gotten remarried and she had a daughter and Danny, laughed and said oh that's one more for him to poke.  I was in shock, I could not believe that something so serious was something so funny to them.  I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe, and they kept laughing saying I was overreacting, and that I didn't know that was true.  But yet it came from their mouths and he abused all three of us that were standing in that kitchen two were joking, it was funny, me I was devastated that yet another little girl might know my father the way that I did.  My two uncles live in this world where the past is in the past and that's that. They worry about themselves and nothing else. I lived in a place where my heart was broken and I wanted to be able to fix it. I worried about everyone and wanted to keep everyone safe.    It was a whirlwind of a week, things I learned that I never expected, things I wish that I didn't know but you can't unthink , unhear, or unexperience things and I was going to have to live with it. 

So I came home to Texas with everything in the front of my brain, my father was a monster it wasn't just me anymore, he even abused his own brothers and there was another little girl that I couldn't stop thinking about.  I wanted to save her, keep her safe from my father.  I was a rape crisis counselor at the time and I spoke with them asked what I could do.  And their answer was pressing criminal charges.

This was such a dark time, I found his house saw her little pink bike and I was convinced that I had to do something.  I had to make sure that there was justice, I had to make sure that he didn't ever hurt another living person.  Memories and feelings were flooding; my heart and I were trying to do school, and work and do it all and it wasn't quite working, but there was a fight, that fight that I have never lost and I kept going.

I was working with the rape crisis center in Plano and they offered have me speak with the detective that worked cases in Plano, to see if I would even have a case.  The legal advocate offered to go with me so I wouldn't have to go alone.  So the first appointment was  made, to speak up and talk to a detective.  I got an email the advocate was going to be unable to go so once again I was on my own surprise surprise.  His name was David.  He was kinds gruff.  Asked why I wanted to do this.  We were in this little interrogation room and I was scared to death.  I spilled my guts while he asked all the necessary questions and everything that I had tried so hard to forget came out,came crashing out and all the gross and disgusting rolled right off my tongue.  I didn't at all think about the impact on me my thoughts were on that little girl, Angela, and her little pink bike and I had to save her, I had to make it better for her.  The detective was not very personable, a little cold, and he went on saying that he would make me take a lie detector test, I said whatever its going to take.  I had nothing to hide.....He said that I needed to go to the city where it happened, and that is where I needed to press charges.

I called the police station, and said that I wanted to press charges on my father and I asked what I needed to do.  She kinda laughed like it was a joke said I needed to come in.  With tears streaming and my heart pounding I said OK, thanked her and asked when they were open.  She was gruff and laughed said someone was always there. To her it was a joke, and I hung up. I stood in my room not believing what I was going to do but never thinking, I knew that this was the right thing to do. And later that night I went to the police station to file a report.

   It was the same woman that I spoke to on the phone that was there at the window.  I am sure she could tell that I had been crying, and I said I am Sherri Callahan I spoke with you earlier I need to make a report.  Her attitude changed, she realized that I was serious and she told me to have a seat.  The commotion in the back was crazy, it was like they didn't have a clue what to do with me.  There was all this talk about finding a female officer to take the report, and I just sat there tears streaming, I knew that this was big, and that it wasn't going to be my secret anymore. There were many officers that kept peering around the corner, like I was some kind of alien.  Finally a female officer came and took me into a big meeting room.  It was more than messy and disorganized, maybe that was good it gave me something to concentrate on.  There was this police chatter all around and I was the topic.  Even they were doubting and they didn't even know my story. Of all people the should have understood the seriousness of what I was doing.

I only remember certain parts of that night I was on automatic pilot, tell them what they need to know, don't feel just do it.  We have to do this to keep her safe.  The officer was pretty young.  She was nervous and unsure of herself.  She even tried to talk me out of pressing charges, she said that she had been abused and she forgave the person.  I honestly didn't care, I was angry that she was trying to talk me out of it.  It wasn't like I woke up and thought oh I think I will spill my guts and press charges on my father, I knew that this was big, this was serious and very necessary.  So she said she would be right back and you could hear them all talking in the hall, well why is she doing this now, what are the details, they were not kind, not caring.  She came back in the room with papers for me to write out my statement.   And I spent hours writing about the abuse, what he had done.  And I cried and wrote some more, waited until I could see the paper again, then wrote some more.  This was as real as it gets.  It wasn't my secret anymore.  She came in and checked and I gave it to her, my statement, she read it over, asked more questions, how many times how long, what parts, blah blah, I just answered with out thinking, this was necessary to keep her safe.  She said that a detective would be getting back with me in a few days.  And it had begun.  I had written my statement. I survived the police station.

 I remember getting in my car and the song "Hands" was on by Jewel and I balled my eyes out.  It was easier keeping things inside then getting them all out.  I was a live in nanny at the time, and I remember standing in the middle of my room, feelings as if everything was spinning and crying.  It was like everything in the world had stopped and there was nothing but the past and I. This was not going to be easy this was not the picture I wanted to have of life.    I didn't have a clue what was ahead of me. I knew for sure that I was on my own, I knew this was going to be a fight and I knew that I wasn't at all prepared for what was going to happen.

The next day, I got the call from Det. PLemmons.  He was amazing he asked how I was.  He said "Are you OK ?"  am I OK ?  what do you mean, I didn't have a clue, I just knew that I was doing the right thing .  He explained the process a little said to call him if I had any questions.   He was the kindest man, he always listened to me, always took my calls and explained things over and over when I was in a panic about what was going to happen next. Over the next few months there were doing their investigating, talking to people trying to get information together, trying to make a case.  And finally it went to the grand jury to see if we even had enough evidence if there was even going to be a case.  The crime was aggravated sexual assault of a child a first degree felony with a sentence of up to 99 years.  And right away it was a true bill meaning there was enough evidence for my case and it would go to the Da's office and there would be justice, they were going to persecute my father for what he had done.  Then came all the meetings with the attorney's.  I can remember once sitting in a room with 4 of them and they were all asking me questions and they asked if my father was the only one, and of coarse no and I told them about the others.  I told them all about Albert and the tadpoles and cried until I needed to take a break. I felt broken and the only reason that I was crying was because I couldn't save the tadpoles not because of the rapes.  When a person is going through it , it seems so surreal, and I was doing at all on my own there was no one to talk to to cry.  I had started at UNT. I was a live in nanny taking night classes and going through the court system. 

I went to tell my brother, he laughed said you can't press charges on someone for being an ass-hole and nothing else was ever said.  I only told my mother because detectives were going to be calling her.  She wasn't there when i was little I had no hope she was going to be here now.

I almost didn't even have a case because of the statute of limitations, and I had to write more statement about times when I was older and what had occurred.  So, my case was covered.  I was living but not alive, I was more than a mess but no one seemed to notice.  After almost two years the court date was set and we were getting ready for trial.  They were making their witness lists and getting everyone prepared.  They called my uncle to ask him to testify, and in true Callahan fashion he said that if they made him come and testify he would make my father look like a "fucking saint" on the stand. Yea, that is support.  There were meetings sitting in a room with lots of chairs along the wall.  And my mother and brother were there and the DA asked me a specific question about what he had done and I froze...I mean my brother and mother were right there.  They said nothing pretended everything was fine and I answered her question.  I was more than ashamed , answering their questions was easier than having my own family hear what he had done.  I was on my own, they didn't ask how I was, make sure that I was OK.  It was in those last few weeks that things were more than terrible.  I was exhausted, there was nothing left of me, no support I was done.  I remember the DA taking me to the court room where my case would be heard.  She was telling me where everyone would be sitting where I would be, where he would be.  And my knees went weak, this was a real courtroom, where my story was going to be heard.  I remember it being dark, and honestly I wanted to close my eyes and wake up and it all be over.  There was nothing left of me, nothing.

Then the day of the trial, I didn't have to be ready to go until later,  since  I was basically just a witness and they called asked what I thought about a plea.  Without a thought I said yes, I was done, I just wanted it over.  And that is what they did, offered a plea, everything was the same only he wouldn't have to register as a sex offender, it was a lesser included offence.  Nothing changed yes he did those things but was charged with something less and got probation.   I remember when I got the call that my brother was lying on the floor watching TV and didn't say a word to me.  And my mother gave me a hug saying "oh I am so glad that its over".  And I kinda laughed, its over, its over it was like it was an out of body. She didn't have a clue.  This was not about her, this was about me.  And we never said anything else about it ever. It was not even near over.  She never talked to me about it, never asked me what he did never asked if I was OK , it was just over. At least for her, it was.

I was a mess, I thought I did this to keep her safe, now it was only probation not even jail time.  Until he couldn't follow probation and ended up doing almost a year in jail.  Not even 365 days for what he did, better than nothing though.  And I found his mug shot he looked scared and there was a part of me that felt bad for him, and during that time his wife brought the little girl to see him.  Once he was released, they ended up moving to Boston. 

And I don't know how but I was still concerned for her and there were allegations of abuse against my father towards her, She was maybe 5 and I offered to do what I could to help keep her safe.  I ended up contacting people, letting them know about my case here in Texas and told them I would do whatever I could to help. I don't remember all the little details, I was still in crash and burn mode after my case ending, but I had to fight for that little girl.  I spoke with the attorney.  I spoke to anyone who would hear me really.  I had to go to Boston once and my amazing friend Cheryl came with me, and as it turned out I didn't have to testify but I met Dianne and I finally got a picture of that little girl that I had been fighting for.  I knew who Dianne was as soon as she walked in the building.  There was a connection with her right from the start.  I met Sam her attorney and he was the kindest man.  He met me early in the morning at the hotel to ask some questions, go over testimony.  He was another man that made sure that I was OK.  He asked if we needed to go somewhere more private.  He was concerned with my well being and that felt amazing. He was sorry for the questions he had to ask, and worried about my heart.  I didn't end up testifying.  Then a few months later, they asked if I was available to come and how could I possibly say no.  So again I went to Boston this time on my own.  I was scared to death.  This was the real thing, this time I had to testify.  I was scared , it hurt to breath, I worried that I would feel too much, I worried that I wouldn't remember what was my left hand or my right to put it on the bible the little things that take up space in your mind when you are that afraid.  I sat in that hall all day, seeing people that were there for Angela, her foster mom, her case workers, so many people.  Her mother standing in the hall reading a book.  Her rights are going to be terminated and she is reading a book.  Then after waiting and time standing still and waiting some more they called me into the court room.  It is never anything that you imagine, the fear was huge, his wife was in the room and was going to hear it all. Everything that my father had put me through.  I was going to be cross-examined, and questioned and questioned some more.   It was rough really rough.  That is another post all in itself, for in a few days.  But it was hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do ever.  But I knew that it was to keep another little girl from going through what I did so it was worth it.  Once I needed a break and i made it to the restroom , I got sick, I couldn't breathe and Dianne came in and asked if I needed a hug.  I think I was on my way before she even asked.  My heart was broken.  It was unimaginable how I felt, and the questions that they ask are crazy ?  Are you a virgin, do you have a boyfriend?  Didn't you do this because your parents were getting divorced, so many questions, I did the best that I could.

I spent the afternoon and that night on zanax, trying to keep everything together, keep the feelings away. I hoped that I made a difference and that my testimony would make a difference but I didn't know for sure. I didn't pray but I was prying that I made a difference, that she would be safe. I flew back to Dallas the next day, and of coarse I had to pretend that everything was fine.  There was no one to make sure that I was OK.  As far as the people here were concerned it was all over.  For my heart it was not.  For people to think I just wanted attention makes me so angry. NO person would ever willingly go through the court system it is not kind and not supportive.  It is cold and cruel and with everything else that I survived, I had survived the court system. 

I completely understand why a person would choose to keep quiet and if it was only me I never would have said another word.  But it wasn';t just me it was my two uncles it was me , my brother and then Angela and it had to stop.  I had to be the one to make sure that he stopped.  A few years ago I received two letters from him.  He wanted to have a family picnic, get together .  He was a new creation and that he thought we would like his girlfriend.  That was not going to happen.  I contacted the police in his town I told them about my pressing charges and that I wanted nothing to do with him. They were amazing I wanted to make sure that they knew that I wasn';t being mean there just wasn't anything in me, to mess with him.  He said that he completely understood that he was abused as a child and was completely understanding. 

That was the last interaction that I have had with anything dealing with the law.  I have spoken with my detective a few times thanking him for his kindness.  And I have contact with Sam who was Angela's attorney.  Its all surreal, amazing to be past it.  I wish that there was a better outcome, I wish that he got time in prison, but I know that I did all I could.  I know that I did the right thing.  And someday someway I will even recover from the court system.

Its funny I was writing this for those people that didn't believe me, that said I was trying to get attention but its not those people that will even read this if anyone does.  But for those of you who do read this, know how incredibly hard that this was, and be very gentle.