I'm still alive...Part II Getting back in the game

CALLAHAN 

I met someone this weekend that talked about getting back in the game.  That a person wants things to happen but if you aren't in the game then they can't happen .  If you aren't on the field, then how can you win, how can you achieve how can you be a part of something  ?

WHAT........Well that totally makes sense!!!!!!!  Because honestly a part of me, a big part of me, has checked out of the game.  I am scared to death, of being hurt and not being OK.  I mean I am always OK.  I always get right back up and keep going, but there is going to come a time, when its too much.  There is going to be a time, when everything is not OK.  Sherri is always fine, always always fine, only really I am not fine at all. Things bother me and I always just bounce right back .  I keep going and all is well. I handle everything, take all the bad breaks but I have left the game.

And really when you think about it, that makes total sense.  I am tired of being hurt, being ignored, I am tired of the broken promises and I have checked out of the game.  I want all these things but in reality there is no way that I can have them because I have checked out of the game, I am terrified of risking my heart and being hurt yet again. My fear is that the next big break will be completely unfixable, and at that point, there will be absolutely nothing that anyone can do. All there will be is brokeness, and I don't want that.

I fight so hard, and so intently on healing my heart getting to a place where I feel that I belong,that I am not so different.  But the fear is something unbelievable and I fear that there is something that is going to be the last straw and I won't be OK. So I stop trying.  I think I have completely stopped trying.  Not giving up that is something different, But I am terrified of taking those chances getting involved and getting into the game giving all that I have and once again being left behind.  Once picked last maybe always picked last ?!?

I think I have spent my entire life, on the outskirts.  There have been times when I put a foot in the game , I try things out, but I sense danger, I get sensitive  and I am outta there faster than lightning.  I can think of a few times that I was all in, both feet, and even my heart. I trusted, I gave my whole entire heart.  I was open , I was honest, I shared, I found amazing people and as fast as I was given all those great things they were gone ! Everything that I thought was real and true was gone.  I think for a time it was real and true but so many things changed, and I felt it slipping like sand through my fingers.  I held on with all my might but holding on for things to be the same, was just prolonging the inevitable, it was over.  What there once was was gone, so long , good bye, just like that.  And I completely took my self out of that game.  I simply am scared to heaven and back of giving so much and it happening again.

People say life is messy, you can't stop trying, that things change all the time, people change like the wind. And I know all those things are very true.   But the hurt that I have had, I can not afford to risk so much.  I can not risk my heart, and I am close to saying that I won't.  Very few things that I won't do, and risking my heart is one of those things.  I am sure that is for now.  There has been just so much hurt these last few years that I can not chance my heart.  BECAUSE I fear that I just can't handle another heartbreak.  I can not handle sharing my heart and then out of sight , and my heart is on its own all over again.

I am used to my heart being lonely, that is par of the coarse for me.  But when you find all those things that your heart longs for it is the most amazing feeling.  For me if I connect with you its for always, that is probably bad.  But it takes so long to trust and have an open heart, that once you are in, you kinda get a permanent place.  And I can't give those permanent places right now.  I think right now, I would rather expect little from people and need them less.

I understand the need to get back in the game.  I understand the meaning, the reason even the thinking behind it.  I am not sure in this moment I am ready to get back in the game.  I will be, that is what I am working on, but right now, I need time, I need love and lots of kindness. So my goal is to find a game that I want to join and put at least one foot in, I don't know when or how or even what game, but I am hoping for sooner than later.

I heart your heart. Be kind to mine.