THAT SAYING

I found this saying today and I wanted to scream and jump up and down and tell the world don't you understand this is totally what it is like !!! Are you people hearing me this is it.  And with that brings more questions and still no answers.

I am happy there are so many good things that are going on, so many good things to look forward yet my soul is more than heavy for all the things that have happened in life and what a strange place that that is to live.  And people don't understand they assume that you are fine and when you aren't they don't get it because you were fine the day before.  Its such a viscous thing Trauma, one day things are good the memories aren't there, or they are there they are always there but they aren't banging on the door.  Then sometimes you wake up and its just there and I don't understand why or how it just is and I beat myself up, because of all the good things and because its so far in the past because its been s many years but still the heart aches and there are times just the mere act of breathing is all you can do in a day.  Often I wonder was it really that bad, I mean come on, I am here living and breathing but some days I wake up and hurts so very much my heart was literally broken, and I am not sure what to do.  People leave they do not stay and out of life I want that more than anything someone to call and say come on we are going out.  Get dressed lets go to a movie or someone to say hey wanna watch a movie. Someone to just ask hey was thinking about you are you doing OK ?  Or on an anniversary I want someone to acknowledge it let me talk about it and then make me laugh.  Hold me and let me cry, Just be there and stay no drama no judgments just let me be.  Be with me on those good days and on those days when all i can do is breathe and why can't I find a person like that ?  Why can't i have my very own person, its a longing that I fear will always be that way.  That somehow I am not one of those forever people.  I know that I have forever people but I want someone to be mine and I will be theirs. I want someone to share all my days with.

I have so stuck my neck out there even asked for people to be my mentor to be my person and I get shut down.  Or they say yes and pretend they would love to then nothing.  They just pretend that I never asked them to listen to my heart and I once again crawl back in my shell.  I can't ask anymore and be let down.  Be lied to and then nothing.  If I open my mouth and ask you to be there you have no idea what that took and for you to ignore that is more than painful.  I am way tired of people not showing up, and its just not ok.  People say fake it till you make it I can't fake it any more.  I won't anymore.

I was thinking about this again on my way home from training and I think is that really it I am this happy person and a sad soul but is that it, will it always be like that ?  I don't understand.  It's so much more than pulling yourself up by the boot straps slapping yourself in the face and telling you to stop complaining and get over it its so much more than that, more than I can even begin to understand, I think I am getting pieces of it.  I think my fear is that sad that I always talk about that heaviness that sad that is relentless and unending that will be a feeling forever.  And would it be better to just accept this heavy soul as part of the cards I was dealt and let it be ok ?  I know that I will never stop fighting but would it be ok to just accept this one small part of who I am ? I feel like I exhaust myself trying to fight this battle that just isn't beatable.  I know things got so terrible I started medicine and I can tell that it has made a difference I notice it the most with the kids.  I think that the medicine has also stolen some of my emotions .  The good things outweigh the others but still it bothers me.  There are really great days and then there are days I want some onto save me, someone to be there and tell me everything is going to be ok.  Seems to be a pattern lately . I need someone to stay.

So YEA that is where my heart is ,  and the fight continues and the sadness is ever present and the soul is heavy and I am happy, something isn't there, something gets lost in the heaviness

I heart your heart