Linda's Fudge Cake

Today that is what made me sad.  And  it made everything stop for a minute and I remembered the first time that I had this single piece of cake . The memories the pictures, the feelings they all came flooding like  a hurricane   It was in DC I was with Valerie and Neil and I was a wreck I had just finished taping for the documentary. We went to the Cheese Cake factory when we were done, I was there but not really there.  My heart was heavy, there were so many things running around my head, and I sat and watched everyone one interacting around me but I felt like I was in a fish bowl, I was there but somewhere else. I was so far away yet sitting elbow to elbow

I found myself second guessing everything that I said did I say enough did I say to much did I even make a difference.  I wanted to crawl in their laps and just keep the feeling of being safe and being heard of people listening to me and my thoughts and feelings. I remember looking at the menu but not really being able to see,  I don't even remember what I ordered,  but I ordered a dessert and brought it with me back to the hotel.  A piece of Linda's fudge cake.

I carried my entire bag of journals and memories all through the mall to get there.  Everyone offered to help but this was my load to carry.  I wish that I was more present, I remember their kindness and I felt like I was believed and heard and seen and maybe that is why: I was feeling so much for once I wasn't pushing it away, the feelings were all there and fighting for my attention.

I had brought my cake home and put it in the fridge.  I laid down and didn't quite know what to do with myself.  I took the kids next door swimming.  We went back to the room.  I went on the patio and replayed it all in my head.  Mariska had fallen asleep and Vincent and I sat and ate some of the cake.  I am pretty sure that it was the first time that I had felt something fully in a very long time and I think that's why the taste, the experience those days there in DC meant so very much.  For the first time in so very long I was heard listened to and I experienced every emotion that I had my heart and that means more than anything ever. Al my feelings are right here in this cake.