The keepers

So there is this new series, I have been trying to make it through.  Trying to watch it and I seem to be stuck on episode 3 or 4.  Its rough really rough.  Talking about abuse in the church and how they , the church know of the abuse but pass the priest along say he has received  treatment and move him to another home.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  Ad oh how I struggle with God and religion things like this do not make it better.  I grew up in the church not once did any one from the church help me as a teen when so much was going on.  I was the black sheep I asked to many questions and  never did as I was told. .  Really it wasn't even a choice to keep silent anymore about my own abuse that was a choice that I didn't have to make anymore.  It was another person Calvin that made me tell because he didn't want to see me hurt anymore. There was no support no kindness no love no sorry no rage  nothing really and that still really bothers me.  And take it years later when I pressed charges and not one person in the church who grew up with my family knew what my father was capable of ever said a word to me, no once again they ignored me and there was great support for my father he was such a good guy, how he loved his family.  So many things, and it hurts my heart.  No one stood up for me in church and I was made to go through the motions.  And then the priest that I took my first communion with, came over for dinner before the kids were one and he made some comment that he didn't believe it anyway. He didn't believe that my father had abused me..... silence fell on my heart, how could he say such a thing,  not once did he ask me anything about it, not once did he ask me if I was ok , did he ask how I was there were no questions.  There was no concern for me, once again I was lying and just wanted attention.  That is devastating and I would think after all that time that the unbelief wouldn't bother you anymore but it does.  And his words bore a hole right through my soul and over time that anger gets worse and worse.  I was more than tired of being dismissed and so many people being on his side, and not believing me. I promise you don't go through the court system with a story just for attention. You don't talk to detectives and attorney's and dr's and tell them things that stole your childhood just for fun. , those are things that could kill any anyone.    That was a hell I would not wish on anyone.  So I sent him an email wanting answers wanting to know why he didn't believe me why he took my fathers side why didn't he reach out with any kind of support ?  I guess the email went to the secretary and we were going to meet.  I wanted to meet him face to face and see my pain see my tears and find out why??   Well we were scheduled to meet more than once and he always cancelled , then finally he said well why don't we just talk on the phone.  He didn't want to see me and face my hurt and questions.  I was so angry I didn't care I said fine so we connected on the phone.

And like so many in the keepers I understood the fear the pain the way that a person is changed by the things that happen to them.  I understood every word and being upset by how the treatment and its like we are the ones that have done something wrong.  I watched the keepers hoping that there was some kind of happy ending that Maskel would be found guilty and go to ail the rest of his days.  NO that didn't happen he died at the early age of 62.  He got to die and brought all of his secrets with him yea what a man of GOD right ?!?!  While the victims live on.  Maybe there was a part of me that was jealous,  not in the sense of being dead but the hurt not hurting anymore.  I am not even sure that anyone can understand that.  I hated that he had died I wanted him to live a long miserable life, and face the things that he had done.

I think watching this again just gave me more questions to ask why is it that survivors are ridiculed and questioned and asked the hard questions and on the other side, are the whispers about how terrible that the victims, survivors are ?  I do not understand that and makes me more than sad.  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.  Not for one second.  Why am I the one that is questioned ?  There are parts of me that think I miss church sometimes,  but that deep hurt still screams and wonders why in the world I would ever put myself in that situation again ?? I truly believe that just isn't the place for me, there is to much hurt, to much pain and I just don't have it in me to put myself out there.

I am in a place that I can't even fully put into words and I won't try to explain it to someone who lives that life.  They deliver easy answers for things that are in no way easy.  There are no answers . yes I want to be heard more than anything.  But yea that huge word BUT.....there are so many things in my heart that fill in the lines after BUT .