Sometimes its just so BIG

Sometimes its just so big and it truly hurts my heart.  Days when I feel all of the weight like I did so many years ago. I miss the people that listened that heard that believed in me. It seems that I do more missing than much of anything.  I feel like people are slipping away.  I honestly am not sure what to do with that. When you reach out and there is not even a response that they received it.  Do you keep reaching out so you stop.  I am grateful for Speak Your silence they are giving me 10 weeks of counseling its a start to get back to good again.  This sad needs some good.  I thought that I had found the right guy that was understanding and also made sure that I worked he challenged me.  I wanted it to work, I wanted it to be right, to be helpful.  But then last time I saw him.  He was saying how I can control everything.  And there are just some things that I don't control.  The nightmares, they happen sometimes they are ok sometimes they are brutal.  I can not control that.  The flashbacks,  I do not control that.  They come and are fast and furious I feel the terror the dread the need to flee and yet he said I control that .  So I was questioning that because I more than anything want to understand.  And he gave some long story about a client who started drinking again after so many years and he was like well it sucks to be him.  Then he starts with well where am I going with that ......and he said well not to be callous but "it sucks to be you"  What!!!!!!  I don't understand,  it sucks to be me, like I can flip a switch because its not that easy.  I left more confused than anything and my heart was hurt I am here to heal and to understand and to make those things better the last thing that I need to hear is it sucks to be me.  Believe me I know but its also great to be me because I fight because I won't let others treat me like crap anymore.  Because I have my life, my beautiful children, my amazing job, my house oh my goodness I never imagined so don't you dare say to me it sucks to be you.  Because I am fighting I am fighting with everything that I have and you Mr.Jeff Quan have no right to say that me.  NO right at all.  It makes me sad and this heart doesn't need anymore sadness.


I heart your heart