Money

I have wanted write  this for a very long time and didn't have a clue where to start. And I am sure that I still don't have a clue but all the same I am writing. I wanted to write when I was finally able to get off food stamps and I just didn't.  I am sure that part of me was embarrassed, ashamed, sad, you name it I think I felt it all.  It was close to two years ago now and it feels like so long ago.  I am not sure that someone can understand going to the grocery store and your card being denied, or that panic sweat that oh my goodness do I have enough money.  Those have been very real and rough times.  I have started and erased this a hundred times and here I am . Not sure if I am just  brave or stupid or don't even care anymore. How you are treated when you have money and when you don't are two entirely different things . How you are viewed and treated oh you are treated so very different, if you don't have money .  Many times people assume that that you are lazy uneducated, just using the system and none of these things are the case.  They are sometimes I worked at a place before the kids and they all used the system and I was shocked because for people who truly need it , it makes things much more difficult. Sometimes things just happen.  No one can explain them, somethings just happen and people make choices and there are struggles to be had.  Some people fight and win others give up refuse to fight and fail.

Oh the moments when people make you feel so much less than all because of money.  Really I am the same person now that I was before; that I was before I had to have food stamps and now that I have my own home and don't have to use assistance anymore.  Its a strange world that so many don't understand, and even living it for years there were times even I didn't understand.  There were times that it broke my heart times when I saw the most disrespect for a human being.  Money has made me cry many many times.  Others have been rude and hurtful and people have said and done things that I will never forget.  I grew up not having any money and I am sure that there are pieces of that that will stay with me forever,  I just have to remember how far I have come , I have done it.

When you are invited to dinner and want to go more than anything but there just isn't enough money in the budget so you say that you are busy.

When the kids were a few days old and health and human services woman threw a pen at me across the table.  They wanted information about the father for child support I gave them his first name I didn't have any other information.  When you are raped , you don't have that kind of information to give them.  So she threw the pen at me and left the room.  That was before even I had acknowledged what happened I was still a slut at that point and she just reinforced it all.

When once in WIC I was asked if the kids were adopted....because of Mariska's Genetic condition do people everyday get asked that question ??  No they do not...and it was asked more than once

When I was talking to someone about wanting more and that things were rough, money was tight and they told me I should have kept my legs closed.  Again I was crushed they had no idea.

When you have to miss classes because you know that you just don't have enough Gas to get there

When friends ask you to take their kids to music lessons and you hesitate for the mere fact that you are on a schedule with gas and anything outside that schedule just might not leave you with enough

When we went to the crisis pregnancy center for Diapers, when the kids were babies and they give you a certain number for the week.  And they only gave us diapers for one baby and they said oh well...it was to bad , the basket that I got from them when they were first born that I cried, I cried the hard ugly cry.  I didn't want to be ungrateful. I sat there on my bed crying and I kept saying I don't want to be ungrateful I don't want to be ungrateful ....... but the clothes were old and stained, it was just awful and I wasn't going to put those things on my sweet babies.  And they made sure to put a bible in the basket and there was not one ounce of kindness .  I cried I didn't want to be ungrateful but oh it was so terrible, it literally broke my heart.  And when we needed a high chair and they said oh we have one but it has some black mold you just have to wipe it off......how is that ok for anyone ?? And I never went back.

When we were going to be moving and someone said well my couch is broken so you can have it I am throwing it away anyway....and get new furniture

When you are asked to bring things to a party and you try to choose the least expensive thing because its another week before food stamps

When you have that food stamp interview and for the hundredth time they ask you about child support and you tell them the same thing and the disgust in their voice is evident and it makes you cry

When you go to price match in Wal-mart and you just want those special cookies and they say sorry those aren't the ones and question every item, that you know you have gone over a million times in your head making sure you did get the right kind for this reason alone

When you have to go to Texas work force for JOB Training and they tell you that going to school doesn't count for anything but they will pay for vocational school

When you go to do grocery shopping and realize that your food stamp money isn't on the card and you have no clue what you are going to do ..and have to leave your groceries

When Thanksgiving comes around and you have no idea what you are going to do and a neighbor says oh I was going to give you a turkey I forgot while I was on my cruise

And then even worse times when you don't understand why the money isn't there and walk your cart out because the kids need food.

When you go to counseling and you cry and talk about being tired being a single mom and going to school and she says well you made your bed now you have to lie in it.

When you go to an organization for help and they want you to attend class, but you have children under 1 and they want you to put them in a random day care and you do some research and its under investigation for abuse

When people assume that you have little education because you are a single mother

Then there are also some amazing things that happen

Like finding that special toy for the kid and realizing that I left my wallet at home and the lady behind me says I know the feeling and don't worry about coming back and paid for my groceries and that cool toy,  I was more than grateful for that woman. I didn't have money for that toy but I was going to go without so that they would have it.  I think f this woman often and oh I hope she knew just how awesome that it was.

The Christmas that the kids were adopted by the colony library and the kids had the most amazing first Christmas.  That's is when they got their stocking holders that I still use today.  It reminds me of how very far that we have come

When you go out to eat with your favorites and think well I will pull it from somewhere because you need and want time with them and then they pick up the check for you

When you are moving to make things better for you and a woman says I know what its like being a single mom I will pay for movers

When it was a big deal that the kids got one of those cool drinks with the Dora or super hero head

When you walk out of the store with 37 cents left on food stamps and think wow that was close

When you can no longer afford your life saving counseling and they say I will see you next week

When some one says they have a scholarship for you that we just want them to play

When you are granted a Christmas wish and your wish was just new shoes

When you just want to finish that last semester of school and financial aide comes through

When a check from another state came in the mail by who I have no idea but it was from another state and saying that they wanted to help

When yet another year we were adopted by a family, and it was the most awesome thing ever

When a woman asked if the teachers from her school could help with Christmas and Vincent got his Nintendo DS and a guitar and everything perfect. Mariska got dolls and cases and everything and I got my Sand Dollar earrings that I wear all the time a reminder that they were so very kind and they even gave me a bag of things for their stockings.

It's just crazy now I have come so far, so many things have changed and those things have gotten me to where I am.  These things have molded and shaped me.  I still live pay check to paycheck and I have to budget there are times there is only cents left in the account.  And to be honest I like it that way, its better it makes things less complicated. I have my children my home a family that I love dearly.  There is still that panic at times that there won't be enough but there is always is.  Even as hard as things were when the kids were small they never went without.  And I never missed a single second of their lives and for that I am more than grateful.  There are times that we struggle but from where we have come I am sure that we are going to make it.

I heart your heart.

What a journey