When things get harder

You know the last few weeks have been harder than normal.  I am not sure why or how but they have.  I even asked a friend of mine, who I truly treasure what is up with this!!!!  I have been really ok for some time.....then BAM and she said that progress allows for other stuff to surface.  OH lucky me.  I truly wonder if there is an end to this healing process when there is just so much trauma.  I don't think that there is.  It's like running a marathon with no finish line,  and you run and run and exhaustion sets in and there has to come a time when you stop running turn around and say ok...here we go again.  Give me what you have.  This would be easier with a switch.  But there isn't one for trauma, for the things that have broken me; for the things I can't un-see; for the pictures that never stop ; and for my heart that feels broken.  I found a new counselor that is everything kind, and who I hope will not run the other way.  The beginning is always hard.  I like him, he is gentle and soft spoken ,  even when I say him last he said sometimes there are no words its just heavy.  Yes its just so heavy but once again its a heavy that I can not carry on my own. I am scared to death to get back into this.  But the need is there I don't feel , take that back I feel everything but nothing.  I worry all the time.  The nightmares are fast and furious.  I used to cry all the time and lately I can't even do that.  I think that a part of it is because other pieces are all falling into place.  I have a house, I have great kids, I have a job that I love.  And at the same time there is this sad that I can not explain.  I have started working on my art journals again hoping to find some of the feelings and emotions.

I miss people I miss connection I miss people that totally get me.  I don't even have a clue what is next what I need to do what I need to look at.  I feel like I have talked so much about some of this and yet it still hurts so very much.  I know that I would feel better if I could cry and right now I don't know whats going on I really don't.  So I am going to try to write more, journal more and figure this out.  Maye part of it is the depression , I know news flash one of my most hated words.  To even admit that, but its there its a part of my everyday and I have to keep fighting.  I don't want to live in sadness.  And I don't want to pretend that everything is ok and I am fine.  For many things I am great and for others I am not .  So lets look into those that are not, keep fighting and keep moving forward.  I know that I fear that I won't make it, that I will get stuck in the feelings in the past.  But if I look at track record and life hasn't killed me yet, I have survived every single thing that life has thrown at me.  I am further than I have ever ben.  It's not going to be easy, but its doable because I want more.

I heart your heart