I still feel it in my bones

 

There are days like today that I literally fell all the things that happened to me in my bones.  It's like there is some kind of physical memory that comes with the nightmares and all the things that go with that.   Its hard because I know how very long ago that things were done.  But one single memory or bad dream or even a certain trigger and literally for my body its back in the moment and the dread, the fear, the wanting to disappear all comes to the surface faster than anyone even realizes.   It's often very scary.  I know as a grown adult that there is nothing hurting me that I am safe but my body goes into overload and I want to curl up in a ball.  Because it's hard to even understand the feelings , the pain the ache of what happens.  As a little girl there is no way to describe that,  because not only do we not understand but the pain at times is just too much for our little mind and we go away.  As an adult there is an understanding of where it comes from, and its terrifying that ;  that was reality!!!!  That there was no way for me to put what was even happening into words.  That is feeling it in your bones its that voiceless part that as a child there are no words.  And even now as an adult when I feel it in bones for a day or longer its that pain that I don't even know how to put words to it.  I think maybe because putting words to it makes it more real and because really in our heads I know just how crazy that this sounds.  I write and think hello Padded cell much !!!  Believe me it also feels that crazy.  And the pain is more than real.  I can remember going to the DR thinking that something was really wrong.  And he basically said that I needed to see a psychiatrist !!! Like I didn't feel crazy enough, I was more than upset and I know that I am not crazy.  I know the things that I feel and its hard, its more than hard and how does a person even get these things out of their head.  Well you don't really, you don't you keep breathing and hope that they go away.  And you get used to it.  It will all of the sudden hit you oh look, I don't feel it in my bones right now and I become very grateful for those moments.


When someone asks how was your day and you were having nightmares all night and literally feel like you got hit by a mack truck in mind, body and soul.  People don't understand that.  I want to be ok be better, be everything happy and joyful and fun but the things in my head the things in my bones just often don't allow for that or at least not fully.  Things are ever better , but there are days I want to curl up and be safe and sound have someone there to listen to lend me their shoulder and not say a word no empty promises , no its ok, none of that just sit and let me be and let me know that I am not all those awful things that have made me feel so awful.

Some days I just can't believe how awful that I still feel. And I just don't understand it.  Literally I feel like all those memories and feelings are in my bones and that no matter what I do.  There will always be those moments when all I can do is shut down and hope that the feelings and memories somehow just slowly fade away and that maybe next time they won't be so intense.  The nightmares they have been brutal he still takes my sleep and I wake up terrified and can't move.  I am a woman now and am just as scared of him in the nightmares than I was a little girl.  I think that when I started this process I thought the harder that I worked that the more these memories and feelings would go away.  But I have been working on this a long time and each time I just can't do it anymore the same feelings ,emotions and memories the same terror and fight just doesn't go away.  I wake up and feel like I am back in those same moments.  I know that if it was as easy as flipping as switch I would but everything just seems so complicated.  There are so many pieces so many loose ends so many things that are more than terrifying.

I mean tired is my life I get it, it may always be like that but lately its so much more than that.  Its a heart tired.  I just need some peace.  I need some ocean I need some relief.  Even writing lately fells like an accomplishment.  This is such a lonely place and I don't want to be alone but how do you invite someone to help when people leave.  There are so many feelings and some more than I can't even explain or put words to.  Lately I fell like I am missing out because things seem so heavy.  Sleep as well as everything is more than interrupted.  There is an exhaustion that I am done, I don't want to see the pictures in my head I don't want to have to run all the time.

Literally there is this 42 year old woman who loves her job and her family I have everything that I need.  There is no reason for me to complain I have a great house all the bills are paid I have good kids. Then there is this place where I am stuck as that little kid wanting someone to come in and save me.  Wanting someone to do something wanting someone to notice me and to see.  And its like I live life between these two places and that is not a fun place to be because so much effort has to go into the everyday life and in my head there are battles and wars going on that I have no resources to fight and ok a part of that is depression, but its more than frustrating I don't know how to get it out of my bones out of my mind out of my head.  I don't know how to do it.  I understand people not wanting to be around. its just I  wish someone would stay and help I wish that someone would stay and make me laugh remind me that I am not the awful, that I am not those things that I am even worth keeping around.  Its just more than rough lately and my heart is alone in this and it hurts.

 I heart You heart.