IT HAPPENED AND IT HURTS

There are so many things that I want to say, that I need to get out.  My heart has been more than heavy lately.  I watched a conference that as done by Jim Hopper and OMG.  My heart.  Sometimes you hear the right words or hear them a little differently and you know yes yes that is it and that is what happened and it sucks because its the last thing that you wanted.  Yes, Charles raped me because you see it wasn't consensual sex.  I told him no I told him over and over but we are supposed to go shopping, we are supposed to go shopping, we are going to go shopping you don't want to do this.  I wasn't even in my own skin, as the pillow fell on my face I knew there was nothing that I could do. I completely checked out, I went far away and waited for him to be done.  I know the minute that I went away that he was going to get exactly what he wanted and there was nothing that I could do.  I hate the things I remember the not fighting, the giving up the being somewhere else.  My body knew exactly what was going to happen, exactly and just went away.  And watching that Video by Jim Hopper seemed to change something and see it so very different.  Because you see I would rather see myself as a slut, then acknowledge what really happened.  Because things that happened would have been more than different if what happened was something that I wanted.  How do I fit that into my brain, I don't want to I don't want to its much easier to believe that I wanted it or didn't fight enough or I mean I have a list of things and none of them are nice.

My heart hurts my heart so hurts even after all this time.  And I want and need those people around me that understand to tell me that I am not so crazy,  that I am not so awful that its ok to be sad.  That those things were horrific and unimaginable.  When your in that place that challenges everything you want to believe but knowing it happened and how much that hurt my heart and still hurts everyday.......MY heart still hurts.  I can not get my mind off of it,  I can't free my brain and think of the good things that are going on and I want to curl up in a ball.  All things that as an adult woman are not options.  I can not curl up and have someone listen and hear I can't do that. I just don't have that option any more to sit and have someone listen and remind me that I am not so crazy.  And its even worse that I want that I want someone to be sorry and to listen and to hear and to ask those questions to get this all out of my head.  Just not so ok

I heart your heart .

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