Missing

I more than hate missing people. I hate that I need them that I come to depend on them and I hate the fact that I miss them when they are not around. When they decide to walk away when my life becomes too heavy to have around.  For me people don't stay.  I don't know why and I am tired of asking myself that  question. Why what is it about me that people are always leaving.  I fear that I am too needy that my life is to heavy that there just isn't a place for me in the world.  And then once again I get attached and it more than drives me crazy.  I am counting the days until Mark comes back from his vacation and I hate that about myself.  Why do I let people become so important and then I miss then with all that I have.  I don't get it.  After being left by my favorites, reminded of how much time was spent on me I was done. I was COMPLETELY done. Done ever asking them for help or advise again but I was completely done in general.  Because my heart is more than tired of people leaving me and being alone yet again.  I would rather be  by myself  and not needing another person and alone then long for something that isn't meant for me.  There is no unconditional right now except for Mark. That is more than terrifying. I have absolutely nothing to give and he makes space for me.  He hears and he listens and I know that is his job, but it feels more in my heart there is a genuine caring that my heart more than needs.  I hate my heart for holding on so tight for feeling safe for wanting him to hear me. I hate the number of emails that I have written and deleted wanting to know that he isn't going anywhere, that somehow on this trip he has decided I am pesky and I can't see him anymore.  I worry for my heart when that day comes and he says he is done.......I fear that day, more than you can possibly imagine.  I want to make him promise that he will always be my place, and I know that I can't do that but every bone in my body wants to beg him , please don't ever leave me .  THAT FEELING that feeling of being so desperate, it the most terrible awful thing.