It was planned

I am not sure that I can get my head around this one. He planned the things that he was going to do to me ?  He knew what he was going to do.  Like laying with him every night and waiting for him to jump, he had every intention of going the things that he did to me.  Like I keep saying that in my head and its not making sense it's not fitting into any space that I have available.  And I think of certain nights, and it like a knife right through my heart.  How could he plan those things , how could he know what he was going to do.......

I think of the times that are etched in my memory the ones where I remember every second and the fear level is so high that I would have rather died. or those times that I thought I might he knew exactly what he was doing and didn't care he didn't care about me t all.  I always said well its OK he thinks I am my mom. Det. Plemmons blew that one out of the water.  He knew the difference, he knew it was me and he knew what he was doing.  That was a hard one that still baffles my mind and doesn't have a place to rest in my mind because I fight it. Then add that he had a plan that he knew each night what he was going to do to me the rapes the oral sex the terror, the threats about getting sick he was always thinking always trying to cover his tracks.  Those nights when I felt so proud of myself for quietly sneaking out of his bed and going to my own bed.  That weighs more than you can imagine on this already heavy heart.  I don't know how to make sense of that.  So the first time I ever remember,  and he reached over,  he knew it was me and he knew what he was going to do.  The night I did actually fall asleep and woke up his legs around my neck telling me I better not get sick how in the world do you shame a child blame a child and threaten them not to get sick when you are doing the things that you are doing ?  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND......I thought I was going to die, I couldn't breathe and didn't fully understand, that is unimaginable.  Because he planned it, he knew that he was going to do that to his little girl.  Just a little girl of 5, I didn't have a clue.  I am sitting here with that in front of me and I don't have breathe and I can't seem to move, my fingers are moving as I remember every second, and the fear, I was so afraid and more than what he was doing I was afraid that I would get sick and really make him mad.  I was afraid after him doing that , of getting sick making him mad ......He was more than angry as he pushed me out of bed,  he was rough and hurtful and so strong.  I barely made it to the restroom, and I can remember thinking wondering what I did wrong....I was thinking what I had done wrong when all the while it was his plan. I wanted him to be proud of me for not getting sick, and not making a mess in his room.  The entire world stopped for me trying to make sense of that night.  I blamed myself for falling asleep,  I should have been able to stay awake, and left before he had the chance to hurt me.  So much responsibility on such a little girl.  I am not sure that knowing he had a plan changes anything but somehow in my head it does change things.  Like it was random or just one of those things but that he planned hurting me that way..... like he thought about the things he was going to do ,  I don't know how to make sense of that AT ALL ...Makes me have so many more questions....

Like it totally makes me think that he had a hand in all of the other things that happened also.  How do you rape your daughter when ever you want and someone else is also raping her and you not know ?  I am pretty sure that he knew about Albert.  Ex specially that one day when I remember looking back and seeing my parents and Albert already had his hands in my pants before they were out of sight.  I would like to know just a few of their conversations I feel like I would get a better picture of the things that he knew and the things that he allowed.  I also think he had a hand with don and them . I was getting older I was resisting, I was telling him no more and more and he couldn't stand it. I think maybe he thought it was yet another way to silence me and if I ever said anything it would be easy to blame the gang rape. Maybe he saw that as his way out.  Once that was out he pretended to be so upset, and he made it all about him and what he was feeling and crying and carrying on, so pitiful and I got nothing.  No warmth no care no understanding .  I got nothing but doubt and hate and the odd one out I was the fat girl that just wanted attention.  I was the one that was asking for it, that didn't lock the door, that just wanted attention.

I am not sure how a person gets through all of this this.  There is so much, so much pain and hurt and shame and pure humiliation that these things happened to me.  I can't get those pictures out of my head.  I still smell them all and I feel their hands and I hear their moans and groans and I am the one that is left to deal with it all.  Maybe dealing with this piece there will be some relief, and a realization that I am not the most awful terrible piece of shit that a person can imagine. 

I heart your heart.