Rough Spot

Well, yea its rough right now. Staring down the bear and no one gives a shit.  I promise I am not so brave and not so strong. Showers are rough, sleeping is close to impossible, I am grouchy and my heart is tired and hurt.    I finally took a shower today,and even washed my hair. I know no applause please,  and somehow that doesn't make me feel any better. I still feel like shit.  I want to run away back to my Creekview house and just be me again. My children my space where everything was less complicated.  I am not a fan of the situation that I am in  There are things that are swirling spinning twisting inside my head and I can't get them out of my mouth. There are things I want to say to people near and far and I don't I feel that I can I feel that it will hurt their feelings or make them move even further away from my hart.  So many things that I don't understand.  My heart is tired.  I want people on my side supporting me and being there for my heart not bringing up other peoples attitudes and opinions.  I don't want  excuses but just be there for me, Damn is that too much to ask ?  Really ?  I am more than frustrated .  I feel like some of these things are just to big for my heart .  I am facing things that I am not ready for never expected and don't have a clue what to do. My feelings my decisions, my heart me in general  are not honored or respected and its not a fun place to be.  I feel like I have to do everything. There is no one to bounce ideas off, there is no one to share my thoughts and ideas and struggles with.  Its all me all the time and It's CRAZY. I hate being the odd man out and at the same time I won't compromise for things that aren't me . So am I meant to always be the one that is different?  Not understood and not valued?   So I guess it's my own fault to be in this place but that doesn't make it any easier.

Situations with my mom situations with my brother seeing situations being repeated how I grew up and I literally want to scream at the world.  It's a place where I feel like I generally don't matter much to those around me.  I sent a message and got a response, I love you to  and I had to laugh I never said that "I love you" and there was the I miss you and an even bigger laugh because I am sure that I am not missed and I don't remember the last time that they reached out to see how I was ; that is not love and that is not a sign that you are missed.

 I have taken so much time off taking care of mom taking her to appointments dealing with  her surgery and again last week, then then then......Are You Ready For This......they ask about her power of attorney and its my brother....Wow that was a punch in the gut.  Who are you living with , who ? Please tell me ???? That's fine,  then he needs to step up.  And while on the subject of my brother, he is an Ass a self centered Ass that cares about himself.  My mother hasn't gotten the clue that he will drop her in a second and go back to all the things that stress him out. She has always chosen sides and I have never been the chosen side  I told her about Carly and Jayden being on facebook, and how they are saying they have moved to McKinney and I guess Laurelle is engaged...and Chris's friends are commenting on Carly's posts  just not ok.  I want him to be aware and he is clueless. I get the shoulder shrug, like no big deal. and I get blocked,  so obviously she talked to my brother about the things that I said. kind of funny kind of not. It hurts, why bother saying anything if you going to run and tell the person.   Nothing is kept and I am pretty sure she ran right to my brother.  I guess she could never be nice to both of us at the same time growing up and IT is obviously not my time NOW.  So fucking tired of my heart being the one that gets trampled, and being the one always willing to rearrange to meet others needs.

 And my decisions when it comes to Vincent I am tired of the judgement, the groans and second guesses. He is my son and she has no right making any judgments.  He was going to do some work with Chris,  It was money for him and he was excited then Chris's boss said no that due to codes and some things he couldn't do it.  Fine, then there is the call to my mother asking if Vincent can work with him....for one she is not his mother and I have asked him to contact me and that is never done then its done in front of Vincent and now all of the sudden Chris wants him to work at the same place that his boss told him no.....AND....how does that make sense ? Why does he not contact me and goes through my mother.  No, if something happens and he isn't even supposed to be there, who is responsible for that ? Because he doesn't want his helper who is employed with the company to do it?  Too many red flags for me and things that just don't make sense. Yet, I am the bad guy, and I get all the questions and dirty looks. I am making the right choice for Vincent but there is no support in that.   It's the support right now; there is none.  I am more than tired being second guessed about the decisions that I make for my own children. I am tired of the dirty looks and disapproving biting her lip and whispering to Vincent.  She is part of the problem with him and what in the world am I supposed to do with that ?  I talk to her she doesn't see it , I try to talk to Vincent and he sticks up for her.  I feel that she puts Vincent in the middle and it more than hurts my heart because its not fair to him.  And it more than affects our relationship and that drives me mad.

I can honestly say that I will be more than glad that I am starting back to work.  This hasn't felt like much of a summer.  I do try and take a break and feel more than guilty.  I am trying to just do me, and that becomes a struggle when someone is breathing down your neck.  I know that this will pass, thing will change the kids are getting older.  I also know that August 22 is coming up, that is always a hard one.  I want to do something and celebrate the kids that day.  They are truly everything and I don't know what I would do with out them.  There is just so much and more everyday support is so needed and there just isn't any.  So I have to believe it will change it will get better and things will calm down once again after this storm, this HUGE monstrous storm passes.

I heart your heart