For me , I want more than a season

This one is just for me.  It seems that I tend to get close to people and hold on for dear life.  People become so very important to me and yet I am not important to them, sometimes maybe a little important but often not.  And sometimes that hurts more than I would ever like to admit.  Maybe its time I learn to let go,  stand back and just observe.  And I think at the same time would I really want to miss out ?  And the truth is I don't have a clue because those moments when you realize that you aren't important to people and are not mentioned and are close by and yet you don't get a visit.  Oh I try so hard for those things not to bother me but they do, they do a lot.  And maybe it has nothing to do with me but it feels like it and it hurts , hurts a lot. And I know its stupid, crying over a family letter and all the visitors that were there and yet no mention of your visit, it hurts.  Maybe it shouldn't but it does, and it honestly breaks my heart a little.  And I think, I just need to let go.  And the thought of doing that, breaks my heart even more, because they are just that important.

I have always said I don't want people to treat me any differently but the truth is I do.  I want people to be more careful more understanding and more careful with my feelings.  I want people to take a little extra time and be a little extra kind, a little more patient because I need that.  When my favorite person was here I really needed him, even if for a few minutes, that would have meant the world and   maybe it was just circumstances, but even a hello would have meant the world.

Do I hold on too tight ?  Maybe they are my friend, but I am not theirs ?  I just wish that there were some answers.  I have been looking at these questions for years and still nothing.  There are always going to be things that are different, the way I see things, the way I experience the world, but I am reaching out and doing things that I never imagined doing.  But I don't want any more people in my life for a season or two I want forever and maybe that is just too much to ask.

And I am sure that its not just this either its the build up of not being important, not being noticed. Not being someones person. And for someone like me, those things blare at me because the last thing you ever want to be  is a burden.  But it would be awesome to be as important to others as they are to you.  I hope that makes sense.  That is what I want more than anything is to be as important to people as they are too me.  I know I hold on tight, probably too tight, but I need that I need people and I need to be important.  I need to know and feel like i am important to people.  I am never that person that is needed, I am always the needy one, or at least that is how it feels and its not a fun place to be.  Just where I am,  I do so good at moving, and I keep going anf going then the dam breaks and tonight it broke and it hurt.  I want to be more than just a season for people, I want more.  And I don't know if that is even ok, but I want so much more for myself and from others.

Maybe someday. 

Ingrid Michaelson   : Someday

I heart your heart.