When one door closes....... 2016

I have thought about this for weeks now.  I have started many times and deleted many times.  How do I even begin to put this year into words.  The things that I am look back on the things that made the most difference the things that were the most difficult.  The things that stood out the most.  The people that you thought were forever and people that you never imagined were forever but in so many ways are.  It was that kind of year.  There were great milestones that happened and things that I never expected.  There were things that broke my heart and things that have healed.  So yes you could say that this year was a year and a half for me, it was hard, really hard.  And if you know me at all Callahan is always OK, but really I am not.  My heart was stepped on and there were many days I didn't have a clue what was next. But I can say that each time I was almost done another door opened.....leading me exactly where I was supposed to be.

The year started with leaving a job as a long term sub ,  it wasn't right I knew that but it was a job and money, a real true paycheck. All things that I needed, I had graduated but no job.   I did the right thing and I took the job.  The teachers were amazing, I LOVED the kids, but I was not happy.  But then I got a call about being a long term sub for Plano.  It was a long hard decision, I felt like I was letting the kids down that were in my third grade class. I also had to do what was right for me, and going to Plano where I could make something of myself where I could grow and learn and be in a district where there were things for me to accomplish, that was a necessity.  And so I took that job which turned into a full time position as an aide.  Which by the beginning of the year turned into a full time Special Ed teaching position I was meant to leave the district that I was in and move to Plano.

The kids turned 11 on April 22 and I just can not believe it.  They are not little anymore.  They are turning into these amazing people that I can't believe are mine.  That I get to be their mom that they are my son and daughter, is more than amazing.  I love to see the people that they are becoming things they like and don't like, things that they think about the world around them.  I have often this year beat myself up for not being enough, and then I look at them and think I am doing something right.  They started the sixth grade!  Wow, that made this momma's heart hurt.  Middle school is so very hard and I more than worried about them.  I want so many good things, and worry about them oh so much. I have tried really hard this year to remind myself that the life that they have growing up is so very different, they don't have to be afraid all the time.  They have things so different, and I have to remind myself of that all the time.  They are coming into their own asking more questions and understanding more.  This was a big year for them. When we made the trip to Colorado,  I knew that the time had come to have the hard conversations about their conception.  Of coarse it was age appropriate and my favorite person was there to help.  I didn't have the strength on my own, but I knew in my heart it was time.  They got some of their answers that their little hearts longed for they did way better than I ever imagined.  It affected me way more than I ever imagined that it would. It was more than hard, a conversation that non mom ever wants to have but they know that I love them more than anything in the world.  And in those horrible moments of what was taken from me, I was given my biggest blessings.  I can say with out any doubt, I am sure that if it wasn't for them I would not be here.   And I do not mean that as a burden on my children at all, I mean that as the worlds biggest blessing that I could ever have. They are what matters, they are everything.  I am glad that I told them, and glad that there are no secrets.  I can not change things, can not make them better but I can be there and hold their heart as we make it through together.  Vincent plays hockey and loves it more than almost anything, he would live at the ice if I let him.  He plays the violin and it isn't as painful as I imagined, he really enjoys it and is pretty good.  His heart is kind, he gave his last dollar to someone in need often buys lunch or takes food for other students.  He is pretty amazing, I often watch him in awe.   Mariska is involved with student counsel,  is in Choir and does a program called Whiz Kids.  Its for smart kids, and imagine that she loves it.   She still reads books like they are nothing she reads books inches thick in a day and moves on to the next one.

Another big decision for me was participating in a documentary about pressing charges on my father and going thru the court system. I am not sure that it was even a conscience decision it was something that I was meant to do, I was meant to meet these people.  I was meant to find my voice and tell my story.  These were forever people that I never imagined I would ever meet.  It was more than hard.  But I can tell you that during that trip to DC those people cared for my heart with every gentleness that I needed, every kindness that you can imagine.  It will come out in 2016 and I look forward to where I will be lead, the people I can help and the growing relationships of these forever people.  The moments that I had to say goodbye to Neil and he so gently touched my face.  Oh that meant the world and still brings tears to my eyes. To Valerie for wanting the best for me for helping in oh so many ways.  For helping me, the kids, she gave oh so much, I am forever grateful.  For our conversation on the couch, that last picture, that we took before we headed to the airport, she had an understanding of my heart like no other.  And Jim the camera man, oh the kindness the genuineness, how  the words he spoke, went straight to my heart, he was thanking me, and so gently touched my arm.  When touch is a scary dark thing for you and you have people touch you in the most kind and gentle way it leaves the best and most wonderful feelings.  I didn't often have that loving kind touch and to have that, to have found that from these people at 40 meant more than any word I could ever write it was the most wonderful unimaginable amazing thing and I am forever grateful.  These people blessed my life in so many ways and I look forward every day to the day I will see them again.  Just to be in their presence.  And even Carlos who wasn't in the picture, he had already left he had a quiet kindness, and I was grateful.

There were all the tests that I passed for my teacher certifications,  and passed them all on the first try.  I was meant to teach and I dragged my heals but was meant to teach special ed, I have an understanding and care for their hearts.  I have a job that I absolutely love.  Each and every day I love getting up.  I teach them but I can tell you that I am sure I am the one who is being taught.  They have so much to say we just have to listen.  I am listening and loving it.  I am at a school where I am needed and appreciated, its all good there.

So many good things, We got our most amazing house and its still so surreal, I often look around and still can't believe it.  I still have so many questions that i ask myself if I am worth it, if I deserve to be here, if I am crazy insane ?!?  Don't answer that last one, but     its so perfect for us.  From our little town to the creek behind us to my very own room and very own bed.  Its about the little things.  I have a huge garden tub,  that once the kids are in bed I can enjoy, well maybe not enjoy but at least try.  Rome wasn't built in a day, I am working on it.  But its amazing my children sleeping in their own rooms, and having some personal space.  I can say there have been many tears, in this new house.  But that is just my heart.  We love it,  even the drive, the early morning traffic we would do it all again.  We were meant to be here, our very own safe place,  I have longed and dreamed of this for so long and its here, it's real and its all mine. It is more than perfect for us, I just have to  believe that I am making the right choices and doing the right thing for the kids and I.  In my heart I am I just need my brain to catch up.

Yea, then there is this heart of mine.  It is tired, scared, worried, hurt, oh so many things.  So many pieces are falling into place my heart is taking some time, OK a LOT of time to follow.  So many questions that  long to be heard and understood.  This process that my heart is on is a life long one and my heart is better then it has been but there was a lot of hurt even with all the good this year and its going to take time to heal.  I have to learn to be gentle and kind to myself, because I am not.  People would be ashamed if they heard the things that go through my head, the things I say to myself.  I am embarrassed myself, things I would never think of saying to anyone yet its me and that somehow makes it ok. So I keep working on that.  There are things that I am working on, working on really hard, that are just plain difficult and there are no easy way through them.  The only way to do it is right thru it, and that is easier said than done.  Sleep doesn't come easy and most nights are still filled with nightmares. But I am doing everything in my power to continue to work and heal this heavy tired heart of mine.  Just this heart will be one of the last pieces to fall into place, and I know that I will.  Not once have I ever given up, and I won't start now.  My past is going to be one of those things that I will deal with forever ad ever and some days are going to be easier than others.  Just a rough patch,  but I will make it.  Is my heart OK no. No my heart isn't OK right now, but someday, it will be.

I have found, well OK I can so not take credit for this but  Amy Wiebe found the most amazing church for me and I had the courage to follow thru.  Pastor Jason is so what this heart needs and its good for my soul.  He is genuine and real, and its hard to follow thru but I am sure that he meant to and that means the world.  He hears me and he sees me,  he knows as i do that there are no answers to my questions, but he hears them.  I think I ma most grateful for this place,  I feel like i can grow and be understood here.  With friends and other churches in the past I was never enough.  My faith was never enough.  My questions were never OK.  My doubting was never OK.  My lack of not knowing was not OK....here all those things are OK.  I can just be me and that is totally OK.  I am a broken mess most of the time and I am not shunned or turned away.  I have the most amazing city group, people that are truly amazing.  They even all came and celebrated my first Thanksgiving in my new house, it was MARVELOUS!!!  These are the people that I need to hold onto.  They are OK with me exactly where I am and that feels good.  I am still guarded, still scared but I am opening more and more and I have been blessed by these people more than they will ever know.  Truly grateful to call these people my friends.  My faith has never been enough, and I was turned away.  My faith is enough, and it may look different but its enough and that stands for so much. Oh I LOVE these people, truly GRATEFUL. I do hope that these are forever people. I need forever, not seasons.  Yes there is a time, but I need forever.  

I am sure there are so many other things that have happened but these are the big ones.  I am looking forward to the new year and all that it will hold for me.  I think that a theme for me is going to be letting go.  Letting go of the words that have hurt that have damaged my heart.  That I have never been enough,
I AM ENOUGH.  And where I am is OK.  People don't understand my journey and honestly I don't most of the time either but its mine and I am doing the best that I can.  I look forward to even more pieces falling into place, and opening up, sharing more and growing to be comfortable in my own skin.  I look forward to my voice being shared, and making a difference for others.

I used to always want more than anything for people to understand me and where I was coming from I want them to see things through my eyes and I have realized that just isn't an option.  People can not see or experience what I have seen, its not possible.  If you haven't been there you just do't know and there is no way that you can.  I have to learn this and let go of some of the questions that swirl in my head that there just aren't answers too, some things I will never know.  My life has been hard, but its getting better and I am beyond blessed and more than grateful.

2016..all I can say is hold on to your hats my friends, if you are on this ride with me its going to be amazing.  Good things are in store, because I won't settle for anything else.

I heart your heart. 

Let go Callahan, its going to be all right.