Just a moment in time

 I love the idea of something being just a moment in time.  I love the idea,  that the things that happen to us are stationary they are just there not moving not following us not trying to be anything else than just a moment, just a small span in time.  When you look at the big picture, I can see those were just hours in my entire life time.  But those hours almost killed me those hours stripped me of dignity, personhood and innocence .  They are a moment, just moments but I carry them with me. Those moments are in my bones,  those moments have shaped everything that I am and everything that I will ever be.   

Those moments make me want to go far away.  Those moments play in my head over and over.  Those moments are things that I don't have words for. Just moments so much yes.  But such big moments, that changed so much.  I was never the same after that day,  from early in the morning as the sun began to rise until late in the evening when the world was covered in darkness.  I became that dark , and maybe there are parts of me that still are.  Because I still struggle to understand to heal to be something more than all those moments that were unimaginable.  My mind still lives there.  At least there are pieces that live there reminding me to always be careful reminding me of the evil.  Reminding me that I was stupid.

All the work I have done with other traumatic moments in my life, I would think that I would be able to say the right things, and tell myself all the right things like it wasn't my fault, like there was nothing i could do, like those moments don't make me different. Those moments I feel in my bones.  There are times that I remember small moments together and times I remember single seconds and I don't know how I survived them.  There is a huge part of my mind that is desperately trying to understand what happened, wanting some piece of those moments to make sense, to be different,  to not feel so heavy. 

Those moments weigh on every fiber of my being and I am terrified not to have them and even more terrified that I am those moments and they are never going to be in the past. I have this intense need to make them anything other, than the evilness that they are. And no matter how hard I try I can never change those moments. Right now I am drowning in them. I am drowning in these moments that feel just as big today as they did all those years ago. To a girl that is thirteen, that should have the world in front of her I was handed darkness. To a 13 year old girl who should have had friends,  make-up and boys was being more than hurt at every turn. 

I feel stupid that there are moments that I don't have words for and can't expain.  There are moments that I feel with all that I am and I just want to scream until whatever the feeing is subsides.  These moments make me feel unintelligent and stupid because I can't talk about them without stuttering on my every word,  and say I don't know hundreds of times because I go back there before there is any concrete thought.  I start talking the pictures play and I freeze.  

I want to remind myself, I am here and now and the year is 2022 and I have survived those things,  those things aren't following me. I have a beautiful house two children, three cats and two crazy dogs and I struggle to remember those things because in one second I am here in this world and in a split second I am not.  I go back there so quickly and my thirteen year old brain goes on automatic thinking about how in the world I can get out of this. I search everything in the room, thinking how I can get away,  I just want them to go away, and  leave me alone. I notice colors and things, and feelings like just how cold that I felt.   You see, my only thoughts are surviving because because I wasn't sure that I would and I am still desperately fighting to  get back all that was taken. I feel so invisible , and I want so much to be able to change things to make them different and that isn't an option. I want to honor what happened and be able to not visit there anymore. I want to honor it,  and know that there was nothing else that I could have done.  I want to accept that it was a small moment in time and I am still a person that deserves all the good things in life regardless of those most terrifying moments. 

I heart your heart.