There are so many thoughts and feelings I don't even know where to begin really. Work is crazy, I have a little that is showing new behaviors and is really struggling. His newest thing was spitting. And I found it very hard to stay present, and the triggers were ever present, and my heart was aching. Vincent is something that I don't have words for. He is disrespectful and rude. He cares about nothing and I am the bad guy. He has been rather cruel he refuses to speak to me and I get attitude no matter what I do. He hurts my heart daily and doesn't care. His behaviors are everything that I hate and I am trying more than hard to stay calm and kind and its a struggle. He had his senior awards, that I really wanted to go to. I wanted to celebrate my senior. I was not anted there he said he wanted to be with his friends. I was crushed. I walked into his room this morning and it smelled like Marijuana, once again he doesn't care. I am finding that there are few people that I can count on. I wanted one of those people to be my brother, but I am learning he is not. He says things and there is no follow thru. He makes things about him, and I don't understand. He is wrapped in his own world. In the last two weeks I started a serious conversation and he either left the conversation or didn't respond. I talk when I have something to say, if you ignore that I will not talk. Today was the last day of high school for the kids, their senior year. Things are changing they are adults. Things are changing for me, What now? What is next for me? They have been everything for so long. My heart aches as I struggle with my changing role as their parent and figuring out what it is that I want. I need them to know that there are some rules and drugs in my house will never be ok. I am struggling with the things that have happened to me. They still hurt ,I wonder when the triggers and thoughts stop. I work so hard and it seems things bet even bigger before they get better and that is rough. I often feel crazy because I see parts of me so separate, and I know they are a part of me but its difficult. I experience that 13 year old not as something that is a part. There isn't a connection to the 13 year old, not like you think there would be.
I feel like I am being squished at the moment, the air pushed from my lungs and I can't catch a breathe.
Once I wish I was someone's first, someone's favorite but I am not.
I always have favorites, and am all too aware that its not mutual.
I am frustrated beyond belief. I find myself hitting myself more often, and that isn't ok. There are just so many feelings, and anything feels better then what is inside. Last night when I as hitting my head, it only makes the crying worse, because you still have thee feelings and emotions and then you also have a headache. So many things changing, and I am completely overwhelmed. I am different, I experience life differently . I hope this Summer brings some rest. I hope this Summer I can make my house mine again. I know I will make it I always do, this season is exhausting, and I am more than tires on my own.
I heart your heart
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