Today is like any other day when you are a single mom. Happy Mother's Day. I am not happy. The dogs were awake before 5. I tried with every fiber of me for them to calm back down and go to sleep, yea right, that doesn't happen. So I have to get up get laundry together just another normal day too much that has to get done and not enough of me. The tears are coming early and for no particular reason. The aloneness of being a single mom hits harder on days when a person is supposed to be celebrated but there just isn't any of that. Already half way down the stairs I get I will do the dogs, well thank you but too late for that, they have already been awake for an hour an a half. And I continue down the stairs three laundry baskets and tears streaming down my face. This is going to be a long day.
And adding salt to the would is the fact that this year I don't have a mom, and really not sure why that bothers me because for years I dreaded this day, the cards that say all the wrong things that you can't imagine feeling. All the thanks for being there, I am the person I am because of you. Those kind of cards never fit for me. I always just had to find one with pretty flowers and few words, maybe a simple I love you, because god I loved her so very much, but it was hard to make someone feel special and appreciated when it was expected, when some of those feelings just weren't there. I have dreaded this day for as long as I can remember, and this year there is a part that is grateful not having to be fake and pretend, but there is a sting because I wanted things to be so different.
Today will be just any other Sunday, getting things ready for work, laundry, dishes, dogs, all the normal life things, There isn't a person to pick up the slack. Days like today sting because there is a realization of just how alone that you are, that I am. I have loved being s mom , every single second but it is hard and doing everything is exhausting. Vincent is miserable right now and I am the enemy. Mariska is Mariska, she tries, she helps. Today I am just going to pretend it's any other day. I am going to wipe my tears ,smile and pretend that everything is fine and my heart isn't broken. Just another ordinary day. I have to go fold some clothes.
I heart your heart
And to think that the day could get worse. Vincent came downstairs not a word. NO happy Mothers day nothing. He asked if I needed him to do anything and I said take a picture of the AC filter because I have to get a new one. He made a comment if I wanted him to call Martha. What ? No I do not want you to call Martha, he got an attitude and through the tears I asked if he had talked to her since my mother died. Yes, he has, the woman that didn't want to be in the same room as me and breathe the same air contacted my son after my mother died. Once again I am the bad guy. My heart is literally broken I have not stopped all day it is now after three and the tears have been flowing most of the day. Vincent doesn't care and I don't have the energy to fight. Mariska sat at the table and is now sleeping again on the couch. I am so alone and on this day that should be special, I am nothing. At least I got a happy mothers day meme from Mariska but that is all and I am crushed. I give everything for them, and today I am nothing and I just don't understand. And just when there is a small ache for my mother , its gone, what in the world did she say to the people I love to make me the bad guy all the time. I literally have no words. I am going to keep working until it's time to go upstairs and this day can finally come to an end. I am beyond hurt.
I cried the rest of the afternoon, I was just counting the minutes until I could go to bed. I go upstairs and there is a clay sculpture of our little family. It was perfect but I wish I knew it was there, it would have made my day . There was a card from Vincent, nothing personal the same kind of card that I would have gotten for my mother. At least I was a little thought, but all day not a mention not one thing and I was more than sad. I have to say that in 18 years yesterday was the worst Mother's day of my life. And then there is a part of me like is this pay back for my mother ? Was I not nice enough, maybe I didn't deserve any acknowledgement yesterday. I don't know but I am more than glad that it is over and hope I mean more to my children. Really, I think my heart is still a little more than broken.
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