Things she would say

This is to interview me at 13.  Because no matter how far away or how different she feels I am her and she is me.  As much as I wish she wasn't a part of me; there is nothing I can do to make things different, nothing I can do to make them go away.  All those awful unimaginable things happened, and they happened to her.  There are pieces of me that think If I can keep her over there, I don't have to claim those things that were done to her because it was her.  she was the strong one that survived kept going and always had a smile.  She never ever gave up, and I can tell you daily that it is a thought for me.  She is something I don't understand.  She is strong, she is devastated and she  just wanted someone to be kind.  She wanted nothing more than to be loved,  and that was not a luxury that she received. When I think about 13 really that is not that long to have lived life.  13 years, just 13 years and everything that was important being taken that is a big deal.  So 13 year old you this is for the girl that you were and the women I want you to become.  Tell your story, tell your truth and I am here to listen. 

Are you doing ok today? 

That is a hard question really. Because I have to be ; because it doesn't really matter,  I have to do everything all by myself.  There are not people that are going to step up and care for me. There is not one person who cares and listens to me. There is not one person who is solely on my side sticking up for me. I am the black sheep the one that is always different always asking questions.  I learned a long time ago, just to clean up and keep going .  I know that people think I am a liar.  They think I just want attention.  If they knew me at all they would know I am exactly the opposite. 

What are some things that you believe about yourself ? 

I get in the way and stand out more than I should. I believe that I am pesky. I ask for way to much.  I am way to needy,  I haven't learned to just stop asking for what I need because those things just aren't available for me.  With all of the things that have happened to me I believe I am pretty unlovable.  I feel gross and disgusting I really don't think that anyone can truly love me with all the things that have happened .  I know that I will never have a husband, I will never be a bride those things are just not meant for me.  I have a deep down feeling that I was meant to be alone.  Because really who wants to be with someone that is used goods you know ?  

Do you believe that you will ever find your own happy? 

I guess I kind of already answered this,  I will not find the fairy tale kind of happy that I think a lot of 13 year old's dream of.  When I picture happy some of those things just aren't meant for me. No one wants happily ever after with used goods.  I would like to say that there is a small piece of hope there, but its so small that I can't find it anymore.  

What was the worst part of being 13 for you ?

How I was treated by everyone. I was never any ones favorite or anyone's special person There were not many kindnesses shown to me, and I learned not to expect them anymore really.  I walked around feeling like I was so far away from everyone else.  They were laughing in school talking about boys and parties and friends and my life was so far apart from that.  People I was in school with didn't have a care in the world.  They didn't have to look over their shoulder or worry about safety and the weight of that on me was huge.  I worried all the time.  I was afraid all the time that I would be hurt again. I was also pregnant did you know that ?  I don't know how no one noticed or cared for me but then no one noticed anything.  The things that happened to me, the things that took everything away the things that made me gross and disgusting.  I wanted to be a part of the good fun things but I was different the things that happened made me different and I was never included, Ha Kind of like Rudolf. So sad that I missed so much.

What are you still afraid of  ?

I am not sure there is enough paper in the world for me to answer that question. I am afraid all the time. I am afraid that I can't find the words.  I am afraid of being alone I am always afraid that I am going to be hurt again and I won't make it.  I am afraid that I am going to  make too much noise and bother people. I am afraid that I won't be believed and people will think I just want attention. I am afraid that I will never feel better.  I am afraid that I will never truly find happy.  I am afraid that I will never get my story out of me.  I am afraid that I will be hated and disbelieved.  I am afraid that even if I could tell me story, I wouldn't be believed and that is something I can't take.  I am afraid of the pieces that I don't know and don't remember.  I am afraid that I am going to have to carry all of this with me forever because its not fair for someone to be brought into such craziness.  I am afraid that I will never be loved and worthy.

What are things that you believe about yourself, because of every ones actions towards you ?

I am more than sorry I feel like a broken record.  I believe I am unworthy and unlovable.  I get in the way I am different and most people just can't understand me.  I can remember so many times where I was laughed at so I just learned to stay quiet and pretend that everything was fine.  I believe that there is something terribly  wrong with me, because I have been hurt for as long as I can remember and not one person steps up for me.  I have been asked direct questions and ignored.  Even counselors. There was one that let my father scream and yell for the entire hour then say we should do it separately.  I went to one with my family and it was a disaster,  I was asked a few questions and they just kept talking like what I had said didn't matter. Gary Carpenter sat there his clip board in his hand and he asked me how many there were, I said 5, there were 5 men. and he didn't say another word to me.  I was left like It didn't matter that there were 5 men who hurt me.  It still hurt to be sitting there on that couch and this man didn't even care that I was assaulted by 5 men.  I was learning very quickly that what happened to me didn't matte and neither did I because there was no care, there was no safety provided,  I was the unpopular fat kid , who would really want to do that to me.  I mean there were plenty of beautiful girls they could have chosen that weekend.  There was no concern or amount of anger at what happened to me I was met with shame and doubt.  Well she must be pregnant and making it up, she just wants attention,  she just this and that.  I learned quickly I should have just kept it to myself, because when all was said and done it was basically my fault.  I was the reason I was hurt.  When all was said and done, it was my fault I must have asked for it.  Every question that was asked ; I told the truth they had a reason why I was lying so I stopped talking. I pulled further and further away and I was shamed. No one really wanted the truth because that would have upset their perfect little world.  Everyone one made it about them and I was left alone.  No police, no support, no help nothing, nothing.  As the weeks and months passed the physical pain lessened and I focused on whales and animals. I learned to smile and pretend that everything was ok.  I learned that I didn't have enough value to be cared for and protected. 

Are there things that you are grateful for ?  What got you thru the hardest times? 

I am grateful for Dr.Culpepper.  He was the one person that listened to me.  I am grateful that he didn't touch me but there was a part of me that wanted him to see how badly I was hurt because then maybe I would have been believed.  I know that if he would have seen my broken body he would have done something to help mem.  Even knowing that he would have done something felt like he was on my side. I am grateful for my animals and whales they are what got me thru.  My trip to Florida got me thru,  even though I wasn't planning to come home that trip I found a pelican that listened and showed up for me each day and a whale that I was able to connect with after loosing trust and hope in all people.  Animals were always there for me , ALWAYS. And they don't hurt you and love you even though you are gross and disgusting.

What are the things that still hurt you the most ?

It hurts that no one helped me.  The pictures that are still in my head, that haunt me whether I am asleep or awake. It is devastating that there are things that have happened that I don't even have words for. It hurts that I have to deal with everything on my own.  It hurts me that there are things I don't remember, and I still feel them in my bones. There are times I want to scream at the world; like it keeps moving people keep laughing and I am devastated.  Peoples reactions to me hurt just as much as all the rapes. Their reactions just reinforced how terrible that I must be to have these things happen.  Things like this happened all my life this cruelty was on a different level and no one really seemed to care.  The first two days after I told there were a few moments I thought someone might care but then just like that it was never talked about never  ever again.  I was left to deal with it all and it was really heavy. It hurts that I don't get to celebrate Bella, she was never acknowledged ; I was the only one that missed her.  It hurts that there are circumstances around her that I may never know or understand.  It hurts that I have to be so strong and keep it all in my head.  it hurts that no one stood up for me, no one said you are not going to treat her like this.  It hurts that I was left so alone and it hurts that I relive all the things that went on all the time.  It hurts that I hear those cruel words and believe them.  

What are some things that you want today?

I want to be seen, I want to be included.  I want someone to love me and let me laugh and be myself. I want to be believed, I want others to be sorry.  I want time and space for me to talk about what happened to me I want people to help me understand the things that I don't I .....see I told you I was just too needy.....to many things to ask for. I want to be happy in my own skin.  I wish that my bones didn't hurt and I still didn't feel their hands. Often I think that the things I want today are just mere words because some of these things are not even possible.  

What can I do to help you? 

I need to be cared for, I need to be heard I need constant reassurance and I am so sorry.  I need to know that I am not as awful as the thoughts in my head.  I need to be held sometimes; I need so much understanding.  I want to understand that those things are not my fault. I want to understand why I don't fit in the world. I need a safe place to fall that I can be sure will never go away.  I need to know that its ok when I don't have the words that when things don't make sense that doesn't mean that  they didn't happen.  I need you to be a witness to all that I have been through and survived and don't be afraid of my memories in the process.  I need you to truly see me and help me understand that I am not as awful as I feel inside.  Let me know that you see me and that I am not invisible.  

What are the top 10 things that you want people to know about you ?

I didn't want those things to happen to me. 

I am not lying, and I don't want attention , I just want to stop being hurt,

I am so tired and so afraid ALL THE TIME. 

I don't mean to be difficult.

I am not as tough as I seem 

I need you to be patient

that the weight I carry is heavy and I don't want to do it on my own; I just don't know another way

That I am all alone and more than lonely

that I need more kindness than you could ever imagine.  

That everyday is a huge struggle but I keep fighting trying to heal.

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I heart your heart