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From the talk in fifth grade and all the girls were like ew, that's gross and giggling I was sitting there my mother beside me thinking well this is nothing new and I must be something disgusting. The things they were talking about were nothing new to me. The things they were talking about were things that I had to do from the earliest that I ever remember. I think that when your earliest memory of rape is at 5 years old, a person as a sexual being is something so far from normal that you don't even have any words. As an adult fine Sex is a normal part of life for some people but me, I hear sex and think about the things that have happened to me. I don't view sex and sexuality as a 47 year old woman I view sex from my view as a 5 year old girl, as a thirteen year old being hurt beyond belief. That is what I think of. Hearing my son being called a sexual being is heart wrenching for me because I think the things that have happened to me, that is what I see in my head. I have to believe that he would never hurt anyone, I have to think that it was consensual, but that gut wrenching fear reaction is real. When everything is taken from you at such a young age, there is no real sex, Maybe that is why there is a part of me that feels I can never get married. There are just things that I can't give my husband. I fear that I can never be that adult sexual women , and I can not ask my husband to be careful all the time because of the things that I have been through, Sure there is more to a marriage than that. But I can not ask any man to marry me knowing what I have been through. The nightmares, flashbacks, the zoning out and not even being there. Just another thing not ever meant for me. I just can't and I don't really know what to do with that. I am so far away from even having a husband there is no need to worry about it. If there ever was a man out there that could be with me, I already feel terrible for him. No one wants a forever that is used goods.
I heart your heart.
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