Always in a rush

 If I have learned anything over these last few crazy days, it is that people rush too much.  They rush in traffic to get from one place to another.  They rush to get somewhere and rush to leave.  People are impatient and they miss the little moments that make life living.  People are rushing all the time and no matter the rush we don't get there any faster, we don't win any kind of prize and time is just that time. Whether we rush or not it is the same amount of time.  

At yesterday's graduation I was a little hurt, maybe a lot because I was surrounded by rushers. I was with people who couldn't stop and take in the moments. There were many tears because in every moment   I was surrounded by people who didn't take in the moments who were in a hurry and moments were missed.  There were a lot of people in Mariska's graduation almost 1200 students, yes that is a lot. Yes, it takes a lot of time.  But each of those students deserve that time to be heard and acknowledged.  Yes, towards the end I was a little restless, but I watched as each graduate showed their own personality as they received their diploma.  Because these are moments that are once in a lifetime never again will they walk across the stage and receive their high school diploma.  These moments will never happen again. 

We dropped Mariska off,  after missing the spot more than once.  For me it wasn't a big deal I had never been in that area before there were things we didn't know.  There were many huffs and puffs from the back seat. Even when I didn't know where I was going I asked for help and was not given any.  Unnecessary comments were made that were just hurtful. The tears came and I kept pushing them back this was Mariska's day. 

Vincent didn't even walk with me to get in line for us to get into the stadium.  I tried conversation but he was annoyed we couldn't go right in even him standing in my presence was a bother to him. We got in and I didn't move fast enough, I didn't say the right words nothing I did was right.  We made our way inside and I was in awe.  I was soaking in every moment.  The stage was set all 1200 chairs in place.  I wanted to be in that moment.  Everything was amazing and I could not believe that this day was here.  We found our seats,  they were perfect I was hoping that we choose the right side and would have a great View of Mariska.  We saved the seats and we waited.  Million of thoughts were running through my head.  

Graduation is a time for families near and far and it was just Vincent and I.  I felt more than alone and for the first time I thought my mom and aunt would have been so happy. I really wanted them there. And it made me so very sad that there was no one there to celebrate with.  They would have loved every moment, and been in awe of the situation, the stadium my children.  But once again I was alone.  There was no family there, no one there on this momentous day. Then the video came on all about life at Plano Senior.  I could not stop the tears.  All the things that I never got to experience myself.  The friends, the fun the atmosphere  , the dances the careless do what makes you happy, I missed all of that in my life.  So the tears just kept falling.  I was all alone, missing family and being so sad about all that I never had.  And excited that Mariska got to experience many of the things that I didn't, even if she hated those pep rallies ! .  And for that I am more than grateful.  So it was a super emotional time alone in a room full of people. 

Finally, Chris showed up minutes before the ceremony.  I was glad that he was there at least I wasn't alone anymore. But his family came and they are just sometimes loud and disrespectful.  They come with him so I smile and nod a lot !  We were well into the ceremony and I start getting the looks, he is getting bored,  he threatens that he is going to leave he can't do it anymore.  I look at him and smile, so many things that I want to say but I don't.  Be an adult and sit here, this is a once in a lifetime.  More looks more comments and just like that, they leave before the ceremony is over.  I was crushed I wanted to yell at him to sit down,  and be an adult.  Be patient these things take time ,  forever once in a life time experiences,  enjoy the each second, all the things going on around you. He just couldn't do that.  So I was once again alone for the end of Her graduation ceremony.  We waited for the isles to clear, and we made our way to the front to look for Mariska.  There being almost 1200 students, it was going to take some time.  I was watching all the families and their excitement.  People that were there young and old siblings and friends and everything in-between.  The longer that I stood there I felt that I was missing so much.  Vincent was not at all help full, he was unkind, huffy and so impatient.  He yelled at me more than once and more than once I walked away.  The worst comment was Bro, you are not thinking straight, with trailing mumbling,  only because I was patiently waiting. Just enjoy the moment. This was Mariska's day and he was not going to ruin it.  The tears were plenty, good thing for Sunglasses.  We found her and I was lucky to get 2 pictures, and he started walking away.  I wanted to wait and find my brother, only to get the message they were already on their way to the restaurant.  In such a hurry and after graduation  moments were missed.  Mariska didn't seem to care, but I more than did.  My heart was broken, because the people that are supposed to enjoy those moments didn't .  I just tried to focus on Mariska and celebrating her.  

Then there was even more drama since they got to the restaurant so early,  they realized that there was a two hour wait .  They were not happy,  Vincent was nasty as ever.  I didn't care,  this was to celebrate Mariska, this was where we were going.  I didn't understand the rush that everyone was in.  My heart was achy.  As soon as we got there; they were calling our names, no two hour wait and we were seated and Ana from Frozen was out server and she was magnificent.  I kept smiling making everything special for her.  The weight of the day was heavy.  I was doing everything I could to make sure that happened.  I was even still eating and they were ready to leave, I refused to eat any faster and enjoyed the atmosphere, then when we were done,  well when I was done.  We left and I focused on Mariska and celebrating her day.  I made sure that I found Ana and we had our picture taken with her.  Everyone thought it was stupid, but I was not going to miss that and ten years from now say, we should have taken that picture.  Of coarse Vincent wanted to get home, he wanted to go out again.  I very firmly informed him that this was Mariska's day to celebrate, and he was not taking my car.  He was as unpleasant as ever.  And later after we got home we went and got a Slurpee her favorite.  We even tried to get a cake from Brookshires like 5 minutes before they closed but it was so expensive, we stuck with the Slurpee's and it was perfect.  

So many moments were missed.  So much rushing and many moments, I was crushed.  I hope that Mariska didn't feel them.  I hope  that she enjoyed every single second. It was a heavy day so many emotions.  I am glad I took in each and every moment, and glad that not for one second did I rush or try to please anyone else by rushing around.  

I guess I wrote this as a realization that time is time and whether we enjoy the moment or speed through it ; it is exactly the same and I would much rather be there and present for each little moment then miss out on the smallest precious things of life that are the most important.  

I heart your heart.  

I think that for me today was a blaring picture of how fast that life moves and that sometimes it is more than important to slow down and enjoy all those little moments because those are the ones that matter.