Things that have Clung to me

 

There are many things that, have clung to me.  Things that I fear I am holding onto for dear life.  Have the same death grip on me that I have on them. It seems that the things that I was told, things that were said to me have stuck to me sucking the hope that was once there. Many terrible things have been said and I took each one of them in and made them truth. I somehow gave each of those things a home, in my heart mind and soul. Its like with every one of their words I took another swing with a sledgehammer to my heart; beating myself up for being so stupid.  If I just answered things better, if I just did things different maybe they would have reacted differently.  Over and over I have heard how those things  that they said are not the truth; but hearing and experiencing their words, once just once was enough to make me feel that I had everything to do with the things that happened to me.   And every day it is a struggle to believe that I am something other than unworthy, gross and disgusting. I hear their words as clear today as I did all those years ago. I still see it and I replay the pictures thinking maybe someday I will understand how I got the reaction that I did.  Maybe if I was the pretty popular girl someone would have taken notice.  Maybe if I was more likable someone would have stood up for me and noticed that I wasn't ok.   I had not been ok for a really long time,  and instead of being wrapped in love and understanding and kindness I was made into a person that just wanted attention.  There is not one word that came from my mouth that was a lie, not one and yet no one believed me and I struggle to understand why.  

I reached out so many times wanting care and compassion and was met with exactly the opposite.  I kept reaching out until reaching out caused more pain then keeping it all inside. I am to blame, I was the slut, I was the all to needy unpopular girl who would want to do this to me. I didn't show enough emotion,  I didn't react the way that they thought I should.  In my head if I could be raped over and over and over again and people still say those things to me,  then I obviously meant nothing at all.  Obviously there was some great flaw in me that made me a target and made others reject even the thought that someone could be so evil.  I guess if you are nothing to begin with;  then they don't care about the evil done to you.  Because of others evil words there are things that have stuck to my very inner most being and I believe them.  I can finally hear others rebuke those things but I can't yet let them seep in and loosen the grip of those words on my inner most soft spot. A group of people who refused to see a girl that wasn't so strong, wasn't so happy and was desperately hurting.  For them to acknowledge how hurt that she was they would have had to step out of their comfort zone and do something about it,  they were cowards and I was left. 

Here are things that I still believe with all that I am and I am fighting oh to hard to overcome

It was my fault 

I should have said something the first time 

I am gross and disgusting

I am ugly

I am even more gross and disgusting  

I am used goods 

I should have fought harder 

I should have said something sooner 

I am unlovable 

I am so not worthy 

I heart your heart