I am reaching

I am reaching, and I am terrified. You  have to understand where I am and why I am so very scared. There are days that I wished they had killed me.  I do not want to die,  but where I live is just that hard. There is a sadness that I don't even have words for,  its the deepest darkest kind of sadness that I believe there ever has been.  I live in a place that is dark , terrifying and ever so violent. But this is also what I know. There is a part of m that is comfortable here,  because I am at fault and no one can hurt me because its all already been done.  There is no peace there is no safety.  I spend my time trying to survive trying to out think the ones that hurt me. I spend my time trying to find the reasons why and how I could have changed the things that happened to me.  My body aches all the time.  I feel what they did to me in my bones and I have to fight to make even the smallest movement. Sometimes I can still feel their hands because for me it wasn't 33 years ago it was yesterday.  I am ashamed and embarrassed that I spend so much time trying to make sense out of what was done.  I am ashamed when I want to talk about it just so I don't have to carry it anymore. I spend my time replaying what has happened thinking about all the things that I could have done different.  All the things I should have done differently so that someone believed me and cared for me.  You have to believe that I have wanted out of this hell for so very long, but I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel like the things that have happened to me are things that I must carry and figure out on my own.   I feel like the things that have happened have made me unclean and something so disgusting.  I feel the worst kind of disfigurement, something less than human.  That is where I live in this deep dark alone.

  The weight I carry is crushing but I feel as though, there is no other way. I tried to reach out so many times, and was either ignored ,blamed or made fun of. Sometimes it is better living with the pain alone then trying to reach out only to feel like you have been slapped across the face and belittled.  I feel more than insignificant, because I was never seen and cared for.  I was never understood and made to feel like I mattered in this world.  I just got in the way, I was made to believe that I was a liar and only wanted attention.  I didn't want attention, that was the last thing I ever wanted!  I just wanted someone to love me and to care, no one saw that. I wanted someone to notice the things that were happening to me and do something.  I wanted more than anything for someone to just protect me.  I wanted someone to ask me questions and listen to the hard answers so that I didn't have to carry it on my own.  I needed someone to hear what was done to my soul and tell me that I wasn't as awful as I believed I was. I needed someone to hear the words that I was unable to find. I wanted someone to tell me that what happened mattered that I mattered as a human.  The things that were done to me, I felt less than human really, I was nothing.

  As devastated and hurt as I am parts of me were buried.  It is easier being buried alive, then thrown to the wolves for the taking yet again.  If others couldn't handle the small things, the few facts that they knew the mere words of gang rape, and sexual assault, and five men from dawn to dusk to turn after turn there was no way in this world that they could have helped me in any way.  Not one person saw past the words and saw me. The saw the word rape, and they saw the unpopular girl and their thought was who would do that to me well I have spent my entire life trying to figure out those why's. No one saw that scared little girl bruised beyond imagination.  Most of my body was black and shades of purple for weeks on end. Not one person saw me, not one person looked inside the heart of me; the emotionless little girl that sat on that bed.   Everyone was talking at me and about me, no one noticed that even then that day I finally told, I was already far far away. They were quick not to see the emotion, but if they really looked there were so many things that they would have seen in my eyes. I had survived the first attack.  Beating myself up for wanting all the innocent things in life.  There was a part of that believed I deserved it, I danced with with him I flirted, I acted what I call 'stupid 13" and I paid the price.  I believed this is what happens to me and went into a shell.  I knew that no one was going to be there for me, I had learned that from before I knew that life was supposed to be different. He showed up again, I was in a state of shock and then he invited his friends.  All day turn after turn and I was still the one to blame.  Questions never asked of my parents just accusing fingers at me. 

 I was dying inside with every question of doubt and learned this is what happens to me.  It didn't matter that I was only 13, it didn't matter that there were 5 men violating me that entire day; No one cared. Not one person CARED. So I have spent all this time in the dark living in the hell that I know trying to understand the abhorrent person that I must be to have these things happen over and over and not a single person stepping up,  making things stop or keep asking questions for me to be heard. By the time Don came the third time, there was nothing left.  I was done with the world, I wanted to die. This is just what happens to me in this world, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  Give him what he wants because he is going to take it anyway. I am still more than angry that I saw him and there was no fight left.  He came looking for a fight, but didn't find one.  I didn't have it in me I was too busy trying to do school and life  smile and just pretend that I was fine because it doesn't really matter if I was or not anyway.  I don't have answers for big parts of this time, loosing Bella and who was there, what happened to me what happened to her ? That Dr that showed such kindness.   I don't understand why I don't know such big important things. 

  I want in time for some of those answers to come.  I want to understand what happened to her.  I am reaching, I want things to be different and I am scared of being left alone.  I am scared that I don't have the right words .  I hate that there are things about that time that are fuzzy, there are big parts and pieces that  I don't have answers for.  I remember bits and yet other pieces are totally gone.  I am terrified to reach out to connect and then be left all alone once again. I can not be exposed to the evilness alone.  I can not pretend that I am fine anymore, or that I am strong enough to do this on my own because I am not.  I am afraid to let the words out that I have choked on for so long. I fear that I somehow will turn to dust and there will be nothing left of me. I need so much care,  and understanding.  I want to reach out, I want to be in the light and I just don't know what that is like,  life has been dark for as long as I can remember. I long to be understood.  I long to feel like a human valued for who  I am.  I know that leaving the dark there are things I will carry with me, but they can't thrive like they do in the darkness. 

You know how a hoarder has to go through everything in their house, because each little piece might have something so important.  It's like that for me there are things that won't be a big deal and things that may seem little that are really big to me.  That is what coming out of the dark is like. I am reaching, reaching with all that I am just understand the fear and sad  because I can't reach out to be left again I wouldn't make it.  I am afraid that once I get the words I do have out of me. the exhaustion will set in.  I have been fighting alone for so long.  You have to know that I am reaching I am trying and I want so much more for this life of mine.  I look forward to the day I can sit in peace and feel connected to who you are and know that we are truly going to make a place for us in this world. I am reaching,  trusting and more than ready. I am grateful you are fighting for me, grateful for a chance to find my voice. 

Oh little 13 year old girl, you break my heart.  I am here.

I am here today just waiting to love you, I have got you and I am never going to let go. I promise that you will never be left alone again.  If it takes a year or our lifetime.  Let me love you. You deserve every happily after. Rest little girl, you have been fighting long enough. 

 I heart your heart