I am going to ask something really big of you. I know that terror is a place that you live. I know that sometimes you are frozen in the things that have happened to you. You spend hour after hour replaying all the assaults in your mind thinking about how you could have done things different. How you should have said something, anything in a different way to make people believe you. I know that you blame yourself for loosing Bella. You blame yourself for wanting to be noticed and cared for. You blame yourself for dancing and for that innocent kiss. You carry enough shame to last the entire universe its entire lifetime. I know I know you do. I am going to ask you to be insanely brave and trust me just this once so we can move forward and find our happy. You see because you are waiting for some perfect magical time, when you can trust someone enough to hear you and hold you. I know that if you think everything is perfect and you have certain guarantees, then you can move on out of the darkness and come back to the land of the living.
The truth is we have suffered enough. We don't live back there anymore. I know that there are a lot of times when it feels like we do; We are not thirteen anymore. We are not a scared little girl looking to fit in. Terrible, unimaginable things were done to you that are never going to go away. But I need to heal and to do that, you have to come out of the darkness. I am not going to promise you that things will feel better as soon as you do, but I will tell you that it is a start. You beat yourself up for things that are not yours to carry. You literally beat yourself trying to figure out the how and why. I know you have questions but if you just let me help, let Mark help us we can find your pretty, your smile your unique spark again. We can find our value and worth. I know that gross and disgusting is something you feel in your bones, but when you reach out I promise you will see people that don't see the same things that we do. I feel it too but I also hear that I am not gross and disgusting, and sometimes hearing that we are not those things will sink in and we can hold our heads high and maybe even be proud of ourselves. Not everyone survives the things we have. Sometimes we are barely surviving in this life and I want more. I want us to be happy and free. I want us to know that we matter in this life. I have no clue what comes next , but I know that I can not let you live in the dark any longer. Just reach for me and I am here ready to hold on with everything that I am. We have to do this together. Your voice needs to be heard and I am willing to listen.
I will fight to get you back and tear you from the monsters in your head that have such a grasp on you. Here, today in 2022 we don't have to rely on other adults for our care, I can do that for you. I want to wrap you in all the love and kindness that you need and help you feel safe and sound. There are things that you have never felt and never got in this life that I can give you today. I can not give you everything, I can promise you there will still be struggle but you won't be in the dark and you won't be alone anymore. You have spent so much of your life trying to make things different, anything other than what they are. We have to own what has happened and grow. We have to own what happened and see the person that we are today. I can not guarantee you that this is not going to hurt. I can guarantee you that I am here. I can tell you Mark will care for your heart. I can tell you that you deserve some rest, you deserve some peace and you deserve to be seen and heard. You will be seen and your suffering acknowledged. I need you to do this for me, I need you living here and now with me . Even the bad days are better than living in that dark place where the memories won't let you go. I am here reaching for you, Just reach back. Sweet girl, you are just thirteen and you don't have to be so strong . you don't have to figure this out on your own. I am here, I am all in and we can do this together. Let me cover you in warmth safety and all the love you deserve, its been entirely too long.
There just isn't one perfect time ,place or thing to make all of this disappear. There isn't a way to make this right, and the hurt to completely disappear. We have to face those men, feelings and attacks, knowing we can't make them any different. We have spent our entire lives running from our own story. I can't run anymore, and I am tired of fighting. So please please take my hand, we can do this. I will never leave you, and I will do all that I can to protect you from this life. We have seen such cruel things in this world, and I am asking you to believe me that there are also good things. I am asking you to reach out. I can't do this on my own . I want you to know that I trust Mark with my heart, and I want you to know that you can too. We are waiting to be ready, for just the right moment and there isn't one. If we wait until you are ready, I will never heal and never be truly happy. You have suffered alone for entirely too long. I have suffered trying to save you, trying to make things easier, trying to protect everyone around me. We have been strong, but enough. I cannot do this on my own without you. I need you and your truths. I need you, your words, your view your experiences. I need you to be a part of me, not a girl who lives in the deepest dark past full of evil. I need you here and now.
I heart your heart.
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