Mirror Mirror

 I am not a fan of Mirrors.  I have them in my house., I use them to make sure that my hair isn't a mess and necessary things but to really look at myself in a mirror.  This week I have tried it and I don't like it because all I see is ugly, gross and disgusting.  I don't want to look in my eyes and see all that I have seen . I look in the mirror and see what has been done.  I look in the mirror and see all the hands that have taken what wasn't theirs.  I see all the scars and marks that have long faded but are still felt when the memories get close.  So somehow for a me a mirror is a reminder of the ugliness that I see in myself. I look in the mirror and feel less than.  I look in the mirror and see all the things that I am not.  I can look in the mirror when absolutely necessary but to really look at me and who I am,  what I feel inside, that is more than painful. All I see is the ugliness of what's been done to me.

I look in the mirror and see all their hands .  Everyone that has taken what wasn't theirs.  Everyone that has more than hurt me down to the very core of who I am.  Some people talk about there being a piece of them that no one can touch.  I am not sure that I feel that way.  I feel flawed down to the smallest cell of who I am.  There must be something terribly wrong to be hurt so badly by so many people, for so many years of my life,

I look in the mirror and see parts and pieces. I see moments in time, I see bruises, and feel memories. I see the girl that has had to fight for her life.  I see the girl that has been so used and abused that she worries she will never feel whole. I see the girl who is unlovable and flawed.  So for me a mirror is a reflection of sadness, that I just can't change or make it any different.  I will be grateful for those people who can see beyond the damaged parts of me.  Those people are exceptional and few and far between.  Someday I will hear those good true kind people over all the messages that I have gotten in the past.

I heart your heart.