Hard to believe it's been almost 4 years. It feels like yesterday and lifetimes ago all at the same time. I was talking to Mariska, and I said that I can't even imagine what life would be like today. And she said she probably wouldn't even live with us anymore, and that there wouldn't likely be a relationship. Words that hit hard, that stick and ring so true. Words that should not fit for a time after losing your mother. I still do not miss her. I have waited 4 years, and I just don't think it will be. I'm not sure what I feel, but she has been on my mind a lot. When Mariska and I went out Christmas shopping, I saw things I thought I would totally have gotten her for Christmas. I honestly don't want her to be a thought anymore, it just hurts. Even when Vincent saw my brother, there was a moment when, if Vincent hadn't said anything, he would have kept walking. There is still a pull on my heart; I am still more relieved than any other feeling.
The day passed with no real feelings. I even realized that it was the 3rd of December and not the 4th, crazy how time changes and gives a different meaning. It is crazy that with the passage of these four years, instead of finding fond memories and cherished moments, I have found exactly the opposite. I have found letters and pieces of paper that have shown what she truly thought of me. It's more than hard to comprehend sometimes, because a mom is supposed to love you through and through. For me, I wanted her to love me, and she wasn't in a place to do that; there will always be a sting with that.
I am in a place where certain doors are closing, and I am truly ok with that. As much as I would like to forget, she will always be my mom. That hurt, and the sadness will be forever. That door is closing, I am moving on and doing things that I have always wanted to, things that I have only imagined are truly becoming a reality. I am becoming the mom that I always needed. I am becoming the woman that she was never able to see, cherish, and appreciate. It's often a sad place to be when you are alone in the world, but my family is growing, things are changing, and I am finding my way. Lots of next steps ahead. New semesters, new chapters, and lots of decisions to be made.
I am learning and growing all the time, and looking forward to new experiences, many new memories, and creating a life that is patient, kind, and always full of heart. The things that I am passionate about, there is nothing that anyone can do to change that.
You have come a long way, Callahan, and there Is so much ahead of you that isn't even in your wildest dreams yet.
I heart your heart.
