Look for the windows

 This semester is going to be amazing; I have a professor who values who we are as people. We are seen and genuinely heard. He speaks to us as the counselors that we all hope to become. He wants us not only to be better for ourselves, but for our clients. He tells stories, many of them more than once, but each time he tells one, I see it differently and consider its impact on a client. He may tell the story more than once, but I see it differently each time. Today, he was talking about seeking windows that let us gather more information and gain insight into our clients' world. They are going to give us those windows; it's about recognizing them and doing something with them. What one person may see as a window and fly through, gaining so much, might not be seen by another. Each window is an opportunity to learn more, do better, and gain a deeper understanding of where a client is at any given time. 

I think maybe this is true for all of us. We are all just hoping to share something of ourselves and to make a difference for others. We are all looking for that just-right person to come along who can hear our song, see our heart, and gently touch our soul. When that happens, we can open our window and share a deeper part of who we are. I hope that I am that for my clients: I hope that I catch those open windows and hear them in the right places, in the ways they need it most.  

So often in my life, there have been people who have either ignored those windows, chosen to look the other way, or not even cared that they were there in the first place. Today, that makes me so sad.  So many missed opportunities that no one took the time to see. I truly think that is one of the things that makes me, me. I notice those windows; I notice the little changes, the differences, and I acknowledge them. That is something that I will always always do. 

I heart your heart. 

Are you the girl ?

 

So many dreams and nightmares lately. Last night was no different.  I went to someone's house, which was huge, and lots of people were there. I am not sure why, but it felt like everyone was there for me. And then one guy, someone's dad, was talking to me and came right out and asked, "Are you the girl who was raped?" There was a feeling of shock, and I said yes. But there wasn't a sense of shame at all.  He said he was sorry, and someone brought out a huge stuffed animal for me. I think it was a Snoopy. This guy gave me a hug and said that he was sorry. I just cried. It felt like everyone in the room was there to support me. People were asking questions and supporting me in ways I had never known. Experiencing something like that, even in a dream, is a feeling that is so unfamiliar. To be able to speak and say yes, those things happened to me, but it finally felt like I wasn't the one who had done something terrible for the first time ever. That feeling that I had being in that room, being able to say yes, and then not feeling like I was something disgusting or less than.  The way that I felt in that room was the way that I felt after my documentary with Neil, Val, and Jim. I could have fallen over, and they would have caught me.  It was such an amazing feeling to have that kind of love and support.  I woke up and didn't want to; I wanted to stay right there and hold on to the feeling in the dream forever. 

And I think I am 50 and just had that dream, that would have meant the world to me when I was 13. Feeling like I was worth something, like I wasn't the one to blame, I wasn't the one at fault. Just to feel like I wasn't all alone in the world would have meant more than words. My heart hurts, and I have been teary-eyed all day. I think there was a part of me that wanted to go back to sleep, longing for that feeling.  That even with what happened to me, I was still loved and respected. I don't want to be 50 and still crying; it was such a long time ago, and yet the feelings are so raw. Today I felt like that scared little kid, afraid of the world and all that it couldn't give me.  Today it felt like it was yesterday, and I was as alone as ever. I haven't felt like this in a very long time.  If I could have just crawled back into that dream just to capture that feeling and bring it to 2026.  I would give almost anything to make that happen. To feel like I am more than the things that happened to me. To feel like someone gave a shit and cared enough to give me a hug and make sure that I was ok.  I think I would have given anything for someone to ask Are you the girl who was raped. and then to respond with such kindness. Such love, to even give her a hug. 

I often talk about how attached those things are to me, but in the dream, after he asked about me and offered care, there wasn't the same kind of attachment. I think sometimes I see myself as all those things that happened, I see the gross and disgusting, I see the marks, I feel the hands.  I still feel the pain in the worst of the nightmares. There wasn't a moment of blaming myself; there wasn't a moment that I felt gross and disgusting in that dream. There was just the fact that it happened, and I deserved the same love and respect as anyone else. 

Haven't had a day like this in forever. It felt closer than ever, and I just want to close my eyes and imagine all that I felt in the dream were things that I wish Spunky had at 13. 

I heart your heart.