I follow a blog called in others' words. She is more than amazing and so wonderful she understands where someone like me has been and where they have yet to go. She is more than amazing in so many ways. I have sent her a few messages in the past and there is always that warm response letting me know that I am not alone and that things will be ok. And I haven't been writing and I have wanted to so very much but the words wouldn't come, or the words I really wanted to say I wouldn't let my self say, so I have been in this crazy place. Things are so good, yet the heart still hurts. I feel like i should write that over and over because that is what fits and I don't at all understand it. Dare I even type the D word. I hate it and never say it, people ask even doctor's and I say well maybe but if I am going to tell the truth yes its DEPRESSION. I mean maybe is that what is is ? And goodness its so very ugly and so very heavy. It takes everything that I have to get out of bed in the morning. There are days many days that I just want to curl up and nothing. Everything I do takes an immense amount of everything that I have. And that is more than sad. There are so many good things, so many great things and then pieces of the past of me that are just so heavy. Heavy is the only word that I have to describe it. I hold everything inside myself lately. I already have no nails but they are worse. Nightmares are normal they have been worse, the evil vicious terrifying kind. I want to believe in the things that people tell me and I won't let myself. I don't know why; its good to be brave and courageous and all those things yet there is a shame and an embarrassment in that, that I have to understand. There are days I seem to have peace and yet my body tells me otherwise. I don't want to be in my own skin and what exactly does a person do with that. There are many things to share and to tell and to explain and all I hear is silence. Things that its not fair for people to understand, fair for others to have to untangle for me. At this point I need more more help more listening more patience more love and where does a person find that ? I could go the rest of my life living on the surface and in the end all that needs to be said would be unsaid and I would still feel that heavy. So I am going to keep writing. I will keep growing keep learning and hope that maybe this year will bring an end to the heaviness, if not an end at least some understanding for myself. There has got to be a time for less hurt for this heart that keeps going. I once thought that it was church, and I was wrong It was for a time, it was everything for a time, but I needed too much. I left broken hearted and didn't understand. I thought I found another, but something was missing that I couldn't explain I need someone to carry me in this process and whether others didn't understand that or couldn't it just didn't happen. I wish them all the best but that just isn't a place for me. I have said it before and people have argued and disagreed but really that is not the place for me.
You know I feel so other than and I want to feel so normal. I am pretty sure that there is somewhere I will make sense just not yet. I find people and places that are far away but I need that here in my everyday. Where my heart and feelings and views and weird quirks are taken as just who I am and not something to fix. My heart may always be bruised and others are going to have to be gentle, but maybe that is just me, just where I am in this life. I don't understand the places that I have been the things that have happened but I know in my bones I am in the right place and I have to find people that are willing to be in this place with me and not anything else. As Laura said you are where you are, there is more work that needs to be done.
I heart your heart.
So I wrote this : and got this back.
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