4:28

 

4:28.  I can still see the nurse and her moving her lips , she never acknowledged us standing there.

4:28.  She had passed away.

4:28  I lost my mom 

4:28 only it felt like I lost her a long time ago

Her wings were ready but my heart was not.

So many feelings my heart breaking for my son whose grandmother was everything to him

My heart breaking for my daughter that they struggled to connect. 

My heart breaking that so much is lost.

Today life feels surreal,  I hope that she is somewhere pain free watching the sunrise on the ocean.  

I hope that she feels all the love that we all had in our hearts for her . 

I got the call friday morning that she had coded and they wanted to know if that was what she wanted.  I held my heart just a few hours ago she was smiling and responsive, sounds came out of my mouth that I didn't recognize this was not supposed to be like this. I said that my brother was power of attorney.  I gave them his number.  We talked a number of times and knew that things were not looking good.  Things were not heading in the right direction, she was declining,  They were using every medicine possible to keep her alive. Both my brother and I believe that once they got her heart beat back after 50 minutes she was already gone. 

Since it was covid we were not allowed in her room.  Though when we got there, she wasn't  really there anymore. She was no longer responsive, and no longer even needed sedation.  They were going to suit everyone up and let us  be close , but as soon as they stepped back from the medicine it was just a few short seconds.  And the nurse came and said that it was happening fast and we could go back. The three of us stood there not knowing what to do or say, and feeling every last second of those last heartbeats.  I saw the Zero on the machine,  and I asked him , Has she already passed? like somehow I believed that the numbers were lying and he nodded his head.  Every few seconds there would be a heart beat and the thought that maybe there was a little more fight.  Each time it went back to just that long flat line. She wasn't rosy with life she was grey and tired.  I am not sure if she knew that we were there but with each Dr I talked to I told them to tell her that we were all here and that we loved her. There were purplish marks on her head, something about being face down and how her body was no longer functioning; it couldn't even do what it was supposed to and circulate.  I wish that I had the name of all of the Dr's that were caring for her.  They sat with me explained each process. Her lungs looked like a snowstorm Covid had taken over. She was septic, every organ in her body was shutting down.

The chaplain came, not a fan of the man he asked if he could pray with her, and then he would pray with us I told him I didn't believe in that but that she would want that.  He was not warm and welcoming I saw the huge cross coming and it made my skin crawl.  He went back with her, I once again told him to tell her that we were there, and loved her.  He was pushy said to pass the time we should call around to funeral homes, to make things easier, Easier for who I wondered. We only saw him one more time, after he had seen her, I don't remember his words, I had tuned him out already. 

There is no way to ever be prepared for anything like this.  My heart was breaking  for my children, for my brother. Yesterday time seemed to stand still. Every minute hurt, and every minute seemed to last a thousand years.  I tried to stay bus fixing, always fixing but time just wouldn't move on, please just get me out of this day that you can never be prepared for.  

I went yesterday morning to get her belongings.  It was painful I had to go back to the third floor get a yellow slip with a list of the things that were hers, that turquoise blue change purse that she took everywhere 5 dollars and some change, her bank card, insurance card.  Her turtle necklace, phone and charger.  In another bag her glasses and the penguin print nightie that she had on when the ambulance took her to the hospital.  It was more than hard, her room number 14 was there right as you walked in the ICU doors, there was already another patient in her room.  It took the nurse forever to find that Yellow slip, each time he passed me he apologized it was not ready.  More than once he asked how I was, and tears just fell, he was the nurse that was there as she had her last heartbeats, he cared for her.  He was closest to her.  He handed me her things told me to take care, and that he was sorry.  I stopped for a minute I asked him for a hug, he said of coarse and he truly hugged me, I thanked him for caring for her.  I will always be grateful for that hug and that I asked, somehow if felt like I was closer to her for one last time.  I cried all the way down stairs, going once again to the front desk, to get security who had her belongings.  I signed everything that was needed, he said oh is she going home or still here ?  With that ugly blubbering cry I said she passed away yesterday.  He looked at me very kindly said he was sorry that she was in a better place.  I thanked him , he was genuine and real I appreciated that. I cried all the way to the car, in the car and all the way home.  So surreal.  

Oh so many tears , because everywhere you look there are parts of her around my house.  I even walked in her room wanting to be close, wanting to find something though I don't know what it was or why I was even looking for it.  I wanted her to feel close, find some reassurance that she knew how much I loved her.  I am still looking for something I am not sure that I will find.  

Later in the day we checked her phone I was able to get into her contacts and get the numbers that I needed, people that needed to be called.  

Sleep Sleep seems to evade me, I think I got a few hours last night and 3 tonight its 2 am and I am wide awake trying to figure if things could have been different, if I should have done things different. Was I a good enough daughter,  more thoughts that I can hold or even express.  

I am sure it was her time.  My brother had said that she was lonely, lonely in a sense that even around people she was alone.  She had made comments about missing her mom that passed away and how she had been talking to her a lot.  She even got a small life insurance policy a few months ago.  I think there were signs. She was tired of being in pain all the time, everything hurting.  Her going to see her sister in Virginia the week before,  my brother thinks somehow she was making some kind of peace.  

I don't have a mom anymore but really I haven't for awhile.  My heart is trying to figure things out.  I don't know what these next weeks and months will bring.  My heart has a constant ache. 

She was my mom, She was Vincent and Mariska's Granny. She was  a friend.  She was a sister.

She was 68 years old and she passed away at 4:28 on December 3, 2021

And because she loved turtles , she was 32.4 in turtle years. 

I heart your heart mom, I hope you know that from heaven.  Come visit me sometimes and let me know your ok. I love you I love you I love you.