I knew that something wasn't right when the baby bassinet showed up, but I didn't get an answer. Then, not coming home for two straight days and seeing that Vincent was at the hospital. Vincent finally came home Thursday evening, and he came and sat on the couch in the library, Something he never does. I asked him what was going on, but he said nothing. I told him how much I loved him, but he just shook his head, saying nothing. He could not speak the words. I asked him, Vincent, are you a dad? and he said yes and started crying. There were so many things running through my head. I wanted to know everything: was it a boy or a girl, what her name was, and when she was born. I wanted all the details. She was born on Tuesday, March 26, at 12:22, weighing 6'4 and 18 inches long. Her name was Amelia May Ann Callahan. I was a grandmother and had already missed out on celebrating her first moments. My heart was everywhere and nowhere and bursting all in the same second. I wanted to understand why Vincent never told me, never let me in on this part of his life. In those seconds, I was just literally crushed. I was a grandmother and didn't even know it. I missed gender reveals, baby showers, and all the things that I would have been so excited to be a part of. I missed it all. I wanted to know when I could meet her. So I went and picked Mariska up at work, and Vincent took a shower and got more clothes. I followed him there; she literally lives not even 5 minutes away.
I went to pick Mariska up at work, and we got home, waiting for Vincent to be ready. There were so many thoughts, and the weight in the room was great. I would be meeting my granddaughter for the first time. I was a nervous wreck, and I just could not get there fast enough. I walked in, and her dad answered the door. I said hello, gave him a hug, saw her mom, and gave her a hug. And there they were sitting in the recliner. My grandaughter Amelia May-Anne. She was everything perfect. She had Vincent's nose. Of course, there were so many tears. I had only met Shelbi one other time, when we went out to dinner. I told her parents that I didn't know. I kept saying that over and over; I just didn't know. Shelbi offered me to hold her right away, and I was more than grateful. I cried, and I held her, pouring my heart into her. I couldn't even sit down; I just stood there looking at every little detail, taking all of her in.
Then I asked Shelbi's mom if I could see her first pictures, and she pulled out her phone and scrolled through screen after screen of pictures, and my heart broke. I was thinking about all the things that I didn't get the chance to be involved in. I was already more in love with Ms.Amelia and was heartbroken that I never got to celebrate her. I didn't even know about her until a few hours ago. I walked into that house and felt like such an outsider. Even Mariska had known for months, since October. Her Grandfather saw her in Walmart and asked why she wasn't at the gender reveal or the shower. She had no idea what he was talking about until he said You know, for Vincent and Shelbi. That is how Mariska found out. So many things that I missed out on, getting to be a part of. Maternity pictures, showers, sonogram pictures, just all of it, that I never got to be a part of.
I hold her, cherishing every second, and then that ache is still there. Of course, there are the thoughts that once outsider always an outsider. I am sure that all of her people have thoughts and wonder where his mom is and why she isn't around. Once again, so many much-missed opportunities that are just heartbreaking and seem to be a major theme in my life.
I don't know how to do this and be a grandmother and see her and do all the things. There is no manual for this, and I so want there to be. I want to see her all the time and be so involved, and since they are living at her house, that is more than hard. I can not come over anytime that I want, I can not be there and love on her just because that I want to I have to ask and make sure that it is a good time, that it's ok, so many things to experience and I want to be be there for every single one of them. I have to figure out all of those pieces. Vincent said in a text about coming over any time. I texted back, letting him know that wasn't an option, I can't do that, I don't get to see her when I want. I get to see her when it's ok with everyone around her. So much is so complicated.
For me, a lot comes up, Vincent's genes and my assault, and do they know that? Have they ever asked him about his side? What about Amelia? Will she ever ask what I will say? Will what happened to me ever be a topic? I just don't know. So many unknowns, and my heart is heavy and exhausted.
He is such a good dad. He is so very gentle with her. He holds her and gets close to her little face. He is gentle with her socks, diapers, and everything little. How he holds her, the kindness- pretty amazing to watch.
So many things to figure out. So much to learn about how all of this is going to work. I want to be there all the time, and that just isn't an option for me, so I am there every second that I can, that he wants me, that he invites me. I love her with my whole heart, with all that I am from the second that I found out. Ms.Amelia ,there are so many things that I can't wait to do with you. I already have great plans for her room, for pictures for a bed, I have books, and animals and so many amazing beautiful things that I so look forward to sharing with her.
Mariska is awesome with her, I am in awe watching how she speaks to her, how they interact. She loves her with her whole heart. She is going to be the most amazing aunt !
Lots of new things, so many things to figure out and find meaning for. It has only been two weeks, and it's still all sinking in. I hope her mom Kayla and I can do lunch; I feel like there are so many things to talk about. Since Shelbi is her daughter, I feel like so much rests on her little did she know, I am more than happy to help carry the load. I hope in time we can get to know each other better. Her first texts were amazing and welcoming, telling me I am a part of the family. That is hard to hear. I want to believe it, but only time will tell. I am not a part of the family; I am not one of their people. I want to jump all in, believing it, but I am the one that will be left alone, and I can't do that. I have to see what happens as time goes on and relationships are built.
I am proud of Vincent and love Amelai more than words. There are so many things that can't even fit in the post. Some things just can't be spoken. Amelia, I heart your heart. Vincent, you mean the world to me. Shelbi, I hope you can let me in and be the grandmother that I so long to be.
I heart your heart. Here's the very first picture I took the night that I met her.
