Today, there was a huge realization and sadness for me. I woke up to the news that Virginia Giuffre, who was victimized by Jeffrey Epstein and Prince Edward, had committed suicide. I read the news and was heartbroken; it reminded me that the damage is done, and recovery often can take a lifetime. She stood up for herself, she used her voice, she made a difference, and yet she ended her own life. Of course, there may have been a thousand other things going on, and there are things that we don't know about her life.
For me today, it was just a different kind of sadness because not everyone who fights or strives to do the right thing comes out on top. I often get more than frustrated with myself, that I am still so affected by what happened to me. I can acknowledge that I have come a really long way, but there are times when I am so tired of the hurt, the pain, the replaying of the past, the pictures, and the way that I am still so affected. I still have moments where I am thrown back to that time when I was a terrified 13-year-old who would have done anything to survive. I hate the dreams that make me feel I was raped yesterday, and I hate the memories that I see every detail of. I replay what people said to me, and it still breaks my heart every single time. I question myself and wonder if it was really that bad. Was I making a mountain out of a molehill? Was I really that innocent? I repeatedly play people's words in my mind, and think, did I really mean that little?
In my heart, deep down, I feel that I am a survivor. I am not, nor have I ever been, a victim. I have fought my entire life. I always roll with the punches and keep going. For my healing, things have gotten piled and piled, and life happens, and more gets piled, and I am forever and always trying to dig myself out. I have done the hard work, and there is less digging. The fact is, digging is digging, and sometimes, I just need a break. I look at Virginia, her strength, courage, and willingness to do the hard and right things; she is a light that the world no longer has, and I am heartbroken. What made us so different? Why do I keep fighting? Why did she decide she could not fight anymore? I know I will never stop fighting; I have to fight for the girl I was at 13. That girl who so badly wanted to be loved and belong. I will forever fight for her, and someday we will be arm in arm, fighting together, ensuring that those who come after us know that life can be better. We will keep fighting until each girl, boy, woman, and man can stand in their truth and be proud of themselves for surviving.
Virginia's death is a reminder that there were times I could have made a different choice, even on the days when I didn't want to go on, there was something that kept me going. There will always be something to keep me going: my children, my granddaughter, and the clients I will have in the future. Spunky will keep me going because she deserves so much more than she ever got in this life. Together, these things keep me fighting. To make a difference, the drive and passion that I have are something that I just can't control. There is a hole in my heart, but fighting fills that hole, knowing I can make a difference for others. Virginia, I want to give you this huge hug and make it better, but I can't do that. So I will keep fighting for you and for all of us, until the world is a much safer place for all of us.
I heart your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment